The Vinnie Jones Brand

DISCLAIMER: Despite negative opinions expressed in the following article the author is a big comics fan. I'm very pleased to see comic adaptations getting proper budgets - it takes cash to make superheroes look convincing on film and allows artists in the movie biz to really go to town. Ok, many are not successful critically or with the fans but compared to the two Spidey joints from the 70s or the 1991 Captain America movie, they're fucking masterworks.

Still, cinematic shit stains become rife when so many films are churned out by directors and studios that care not for integrity or detail. I could devote a whole website to these criminals. For every Spider-Man there's a Fantastic Four, for every Sin City there's another dirty Alan Moore adap. While the X-Men movies are watchable in a non-committal, large-popcorn-large-drink kind of way, they're also pretty unmemorable. "But how about that great scene with the...nah, it's gone. Sorry."

If there's one thing I hate more than a shitty comic book adaptation its Vinnie Jones in a shitty comic book adaptation. It's a tragic fact that the VJ brand is now forever associated with X-Men history and the character Juggernaut. I haven't seen the film (I fear it) but The Shed tells me Vinnie injects the character with real English charm, spouting lines like "I need a piss!" and "I'M THE JAGG-A-NOWT!" Superhuman strength meets Mockney swagger, just as I'd always hoped. He must be reaching deep into the mysterious Brando-ether to pull out class like that. It's voodoo chemistry, part of a career series of acting lessons in which screen characters are distilled and reduced to being simply Vinnie Jones.

I can imagine the director saying "Ok Vin, in this scene you're feeling some major anguish, so I want you to wrap that sadness in a cloak of hot rage yeah?" Vinnie nodding, "Yeah...yeah...uh-huh" and then just doing what the fuck he wants when the cameras start rolling. But it's totally cool yeah, he's a friendly lad and all the crew like him. Likeability seems to be his appeal. I don't like him.

Looking back I prefer 'The Axe' in his Bacardi ads. He looks more impressive spinning in slow motion and wasting litres of alcohol than he ever could dressed as some gladiator clown. He looks like a bouncer 'really letting go' at a Halloween bash. Dude has been in 30 films in 8 years! That is insane. I thought he'd fade away nicely into early retirement, remembered for violence on the football pitch and squeezing a ball bag, but it looks like his square meaty head is here to stay.

Jone's Swordfish (2001) co-star Don Cheadle had this to say:
"Vinnie Jones was like, 'Come out to England, mate...' I was like, 'Not with you!' I like Vinnie Jones, but he'd probably take me to some spots I probably don't want to go." Yeah, like to a cinema to watch Swordfish...


Whilst I'm riding my high horse, here are some other shit movie comic punks: Chris O'Donnell as Robin. Just check the pictures for a taste of his uncut evil. What's he screaming at? "Hey photo-guy, aaaargh!" Who's he pointing at? "Don't laugh at my mask!"

Here's another, Jeep Swenson as Bane. He looks like the stock gimp in some bad 70s S&M flick. His arms look like they're made of papier-mâché. Nice shopping trolley, pal. (I haven't seen Batman & Robin either, I find prejudgement too enjoyable).


Landon Garrett for The Shed