Wii kicks ass...sells a shedload. Have Nintendo already won the next-gen war?

Nintendo's Wii has been out now for just over a month and has taken the world by storm selling around 2.85 million units Worldwide and counting. That's 1,100,000 Stateside, 1,115,000 in Japan and 750,000 in Europe and Australia. Pretty impressive. Just to put these figures in perspective, to date PS3 has shipped 1,215,000 units Worldwide and in the space of a year the Microsoft have managed to shift 10.5 million X-Box 360 consoles. Phew.

With the highly anticipated Super Mario Galaxy on its way, units are going to continue to fly off the shelves. It looks as if Nintendo's plan to grab a share of the untapped market of casual and non-gamers intrigued by the innovative Wii-mote and nunchuk controller has worked. And then some. Have Nintendo won the next-gen war that they never wanted to be a part of in the first place? Microsoft head honcho Billy Gatesy has said that he considers Nintendo their closest rival at the moment. Fighting talk from the bespectacled billionaire. We'll just have to wait and see how the console war pans out when PS3 lands on these fair shores. Until then, The Shed officially reserves judgement.

For now, it looks as if the Wii will hold the share of the market due to its wide appeal.

Console exclusive titles mean that if you're a hardcore gamer, getting hold of all three consoles will be the only solution. 2007 looks to be an expensive year for gamers.

Time to check The Shed's coffers...empty again? Crap.

Stoopid game characters: a retrospective.

PlayStation 3 will be making it's way onto UK shores in March promising to usher in a new era of advanced AI with its much vaunted IBM Cell engine and Nvidia RSX 'Reality Synthesizer.'
So, with the next-gen well and truly here, (soon) The Shed thought it was time we looked back at the most annoying game characters as we look forward to waving goodbye to shoddy intelligence and uninspired character design once and for all.

First of all, we have to give a nod to those incidental supporting characters. The ones who are supposedly there to help you through the game. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas' idiotic spinning "Cover me! Cover me!" gang member clones for instance immediately spring to mind. VIPs in numerous shoot 'em ups who you're tasked with escorting through hails of gunfire, who decide a leisurely walking pace is suitable, not even thinking to pick up a gun, run for cover or help, damn it! Characters whose sole purpose is to infuriate and impede at every turn, causing tears, tantrums and broken pads.
It is in the same spirit that we celebrate the 6 most useless and idiotic characters in games...

6. Zan (Streets Of Rage 3, Mega Drive): Not really a useless character because Zan can be quite effective against the minions of Mr. X. He does however resemble a concept design that was destined for the bin but somehow slipped through the net and made it into the finished game. He looks like a bit of a joker, can skate across the screen with sparky, rocket shoes and fights like a freak. Essentially an old man with a hideously augmented robot body, wearing tight trousers, shirt and red shoes. Looks as bad as he sounds: a truly awful character design. Emblematic of a series that had lost its way.

5. Colonel Gregor Hakha (Killzone, PS2): As a playable character, Helghan defector Hakha is pretty cool. He packs all the enemy guns as standard and is able to bybass the Helghast security. As a supporting member of your team however, he is a massive pain in the arse. Taking bullets to his dome he still finds time to dispense repetitive comments on your own skills. "Impressive!" Yeah, thanks Hakha. "Impressive!" Yes, you said that already. "Impressive!"...and so on. "Good shot!" Cheers.

4. Mr. Hayes (King Kong, PS2, X-Box): In the movie, Mr. Hayes comes across as a bit of a badass. The grizzled, tough crew member of the Endeavour, he rocks a tommy gun with the best of them. In the game he's a wailing, pacifistic, ponce who minces around shrieking "Help meeeeeee!" at the slightest sight of danger. It's enough to make you wish the titular anthropomorphic ape would come along and squash him: put him out of his misery and simultaneously put us out of ours. Hayes is a consistent liability making his eventual death a relief rather than a tragedy.

3. Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Mega Drive): We like Tails, how can you not? He's a cutesy fox who had us genuinely choked up when his little biplane was shot down at the end of the Sky Chase stage. He was also a silly little sod, jumping into spike pits, drowning in the drink, losing rings and just generally getting in the way whilst failing to keep up. We forgive him though, even if he can be a bit of a burden.

2. Rose (Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty, PS2): As if new lead character Raiden wasn't annoying enough, his ridiculously high maintenance girlfriend tested even the most angellically patient gamer. Calling you up on your codec every two minutes to babble on about nothing, Rose managed to interrupt key moments and single-handedly ruin your concentration. Not good. We could have really done without a lover's tiff in the middle of a heated gunfight, thanks love.

1. Oddjob and Baron Samedi (GoldenEye, N64): In multiplayer games of N64's most popular first person shooter and all-round bona-fide classic there was one huge taboo. Being Oddjob. The pint-sized little hat-thrower was off-limits for anyone with a shred of decency and honour. He was a small target, especially when crouched, sliding across the ground like an ice skater on one knee, firing off rounds from a golden gun: a golden scav. The tragedy is that the spirit of Oddjob lives on in the TimeSplitters games with characters like Robofish. Criminal.

On the flipside you had Baron Samedi, who if you had any sense at all would avoid like the plague. Why? Because he was tall, bold and may as well have run around with a target painted on his back. His hat counted as a hit too, meaning that GoldenEye's Samedi apparently had a two foot long head under that fetching sartorial statement. Who knew?

Shed Hierarchy, Bandana Blasphemy

This GamesMaster moment is a neat visual metaphor for Rich and Landon's editorial relationship. Upfront and in focus, Rich is the host - jocular and entertaining but also a controlling overlord eager to use his face as a campaign poster. In the shadows lurks Landon, a childish games animal willing to challenge oncomers to a game of EA Hockey, anywhere in space or time.

Landon doesn't wear his bandana in public and Rich prefers a bow tie over a cravat, but the image is fitting. Dominik Diamond and Dave Perry were like two 18th century aristocrat brothers, hating each other to the core but forced to maintain a love facade for the sake of public image. Rich and Landon smile at each other, right hands extended in friendship, left hands concealing pistols behind their backs.

If you're a fan of GamesMaster, try YouTube for a sweet nostalgia hit. If you're a fan of a DD, tune in to his breakfast show on Xfm Scotland or peep his band's Myspace [http://www.myspace.com/itstheams]. All 26 of you Perry fans out there are no doubt frequent hitters at his official website [http://davesworld.gamesanimal.com].

For the casually curious, DP's site is comedy gold and worth checking. Site designer and publicist Dave Perry calls Dave the 'highest profile gamesplayer of all-time' and treats us to reliably one-sided accounts of his gaming victories and bitter tales of industry regret. Cute gothic styling creates an oppressive, low-res atmosphere. Why not enter the deep picture archive and lose yourself amongst all six images? Or perhaps you'd like to make that desktop complete and download some horribly pixel-scarred wallpapers? Special note is deserved of Dave's logo - the Anarchists 'A' - as drawn by Daves fair hand it resembles a disgusting scabbed-over wound.

Moral Kombat: Another two cents...

To quote writer/producer/director Spencer Haplin: “We’re very careful to avoid the whole titillation factor...” Please accept our invitation to dinner at Burger King, Mr. Haplin, so we can laugh directly into your face. Fact is, the trailer seems to sell the film on tabloid style provocation and little else. Does he fancy himself as some kind of David versus the gaming industry Goliath? Halpin rocking his little Fahrenheit 9/11 docu-slingshot, Goliath a fat multi-billionaire with a gun. The Shed is happy for capitalism to crush the little guy this time.

Attorney and anti-games activist Jack Thompson is interviewed in the film, natch. Back in 1990, Jacky said of rap music: "An industry that says a line cannot be drawn will be drawn and quartered.” Hip-hop turned out to be big business on a global scale. Thompson's weekend job as a prophet was shortlived. Capitalism wins 2-Nil.

It's very easy to construct a counter argument against Thompson. Just quote him. Here he takes us to school using that most reliable of teaching aids, Grand Theft Auto: “...when it comes to kids, it has a demonstrable impact on their behavior and the development of the frontal lobes of their brain.” Well, our lobes are fine thank you. I guess it's too bad about Richie's little brother up in the psych ward though. Rich left the room for five minutes to take a small shit and Little Tommy picked up a control pad - without permission - and started spinning round in circles. Wee lad hasn't spoken since. Come to think of it, little Tommykins might not really exist. Landon's memory isn't very reliable. Maybe he played too much Alex Kidd In Miracle World as a boy? Gee, sure had to kill a lot of lil' animals in that game.

OR INSTEAD SIMPLY:

Spencer Halpin fronted $650,000 making Moral Kombat. Spencer Halpin really knows how to party.

Alarmist anti-games film - Coming Soon! Don't all rush at once...

A trailer for a documentary entitled (clever pun this) Moral Kombat has been doing the rounds on YouTube and sparking debate (mostly suitable outrage from gamers) about it's biased content. The trailer is a one-sided montage of gaming's typical controversial violent scapegoats such as Manhunt, Grand Theft Auto and Oddworld (eh?!). That's right Oddworld, the game starring a farting, skinny green guy called Abe. It's this total lack of insight on the subject from the people behind the film that really has us non-plussed about the whole thing, it's an age-old debate that until recently was a hot potato in movie world. It's also a debate that is a complete waste of time since what is being suggested by the fanatics involved is a ratings system to inform the consumer of the type of content featured in the game. Um...don't we already have that? Violent games are already rated by the BBFC and PEGI in the UK and ESRB in the US. If games featuring mature content fall into the hands of children, it's the responsibility of the parents. It's a hackneyed argument and one that will unfortunately run and run. Mercifully, the film is unlikely to receive backing from any studio as they all share a happy and lucrative relationship with videogames.

Yes, we can see what they mean here. It's enough to make you want to kill your family and eat their still-warm carcasses. Chilling.

If after watching the trailer you feel like this is the film you've been waiting for, we suggest you flush your head down the nearest toilet repeatedly, preferably one with a nice fresh floater. We can only hope that the film's maker, one Spencer Halpin will do the same.
See the trailer for yourself and weep at it's sweeping, epic music suggesting apocalyptic foreboding accompanying the tenuous, unfounded rhetoric being spouted by the film's contributors.

Insightful musings include "...what do you think happens when a nine-year old boy sits down and plays a first-person shooter videogame that rewards him for killing cops?" This being a game rated 18 by the BBFC? No game featuring this kind of stuff is made available to kids! See what we mean?! I reckon if the nine-year old in question is mentally sound, he's likely to have fun, nothing more.

Also, it turns out a flight sim was what caused 9/11...they had to bring the infamous terrorist attacks into their polemic to reinforce what is clearly a flimsy argument.

OK, we're clearly not non-plussed at all. On second thoughts don't watch the trailer, it'll only make your blood boil.
We're going out now to let off some steam and cap a few grannies. Obviously.

The Shed's BUZZ 2007

2007 is going to be a hell of a year for games and movies. It’s a great opportunity for us to wheel out the superlatives and see how many times we can write the word exciting in one article. Here’s our pick of the hottest shizzle to look forward to in the exciting coming new year. Exciting…

MOVIES:

80’s sequels a-go-go with Rocky Balboa, Rambo IV and Live Free Or Die Hard. Who knows, maybe Spielberg will get off his arse and make Indy IV after banging on about it for years.
New Harry Potter, Shrek, Bourne and Sin City movies too as well as the first adaptation of Philip Pullman’s incredible fantasy trilogy His Dark Materials: Northern Lights have us wound-up with excited, exciting, excitement.
Below are the big 5 to look out for in 2007:

5. Hot Fuzz (dir. Edgar Wright)
Following up the hugely successful Shaun of the Dead, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost team-up again as a pair of rozzers. One a brash, gung-ho London cop, the other more used to the sedate pace of village policing. Promises to be the funniest film of the year.

4. Transformers (dir. Michael Bay)
Robots In DisguiseTM on the big screen, finally! The Shed was a tad apprehensive to learn that Michael (Explosions! Helicopters! Tangerine sunsets!) Bay has been chosen to direct the movie version of our most cherished of childhood toys, but we’re assured that Bay has a healthy respect for the source material. Knowing Steven Spielberg is on board as producer allows us to sleep a little better at night. We hope this'll be More Than Meets The Eye!TM

3. Grindhouse (dir. Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez)
This is bound to be something very special. Expect a pulpy, stylised, over–the-top, slice of cinematic violence and mayhem from two always-exciting directors. Rose Mc.Gowan as a showgirl with a machine-gun for a leg? Um…ok!

2. The Simpsons Movie (dir. David Silverman)
Mmm…Simpsons Movie. Do we really need to say anything about this? It’s The Simpsons, in movie form. If it's even half the quality of the usual classic episode, but running to feature length, colour us happy. Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie at your local multiplex!! Be excited! Be very, very excited! Prepare to go d’oh-nuts!! Insert your own d’oh pun here!

1. Spider-Man 3 (dir. Sam Raimi)
Web-head goes dark as Raimi brings us the alien costume saga where Spidey purloins said get-up which turns out to be an extraterrestrial symbiote and sends him insane. Joining the Green Goblin, Sandman and Venom is another villain being kept under wraps. We can’t wait to find out and see the biggest movie event of the year. (The Shed wishes it could whore out poster quotes like Paul Ross because that was a great one).

GAMES:

With the European release of PS3 fast approaching and the Nintendo Wii now available (on eBay for about £500) it’s an exciting time for gamers. Sequels, sequels, sequels as usual but exciting sequels nonetheless. Mercenaries 2, Devil May Cry 4, Ridge Racer 7, Final Fantasy XIII and Burnout 5 all prove that sequels are where it’s at in 2007. Here are the games that are getting us hot in our nether regions:

5. Halo 3 (Bungee. X-Box 360)
The most eagerly anticipated and yes, exciting sequel to one of the all time great first-person shooters. Halo 3 joins the illustrious ranks of quality shooters now available for Microsoft’s curvy, off-white PC-in-a-box. Good news is with Landon’s Christmas acquisition of said hardware, The Shed will now feature X-Box 360 reviews! Yes!

4. Army of Two (Electronic Arts. PlayStation 3, X-Box 360)
Nothing beats a good co-op game with a friend. Flashbacks to games like Streets of Rage, Mercs, TimeSplitters and The World of Illusion Starring Mickey and Donald (okay, scratch that last one) conjure up recollections of shouty gaming sessions (Watch my back! You go there! NO! Not there!!) that have made and broken many friendships. And so in this two-man shooter you can shout at either the AI or your mate’s incompetence and recapture those treasured memories…with friendly fire OFF. (No, ON!! etc.)

3. Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (Konami. PlayStation 3)
Hideo Kojima’s uber-sneak em’ up returns with a rapidly aging Solid Snake sporting a beautifully rendered Des Lynam ‘tache. The tagline ‘nowhere to hide’ suggests that MGS 4 will place more of an onus on stealth camouflage out in the open battlefield rather than the traditional hiding behind crates that we’re used to. PS3’s power will also mean that scenery will most likely be fully destructible, meaning that the sturdy brick wall you were eyeing up as a safe haven can be reduced to smouldering fragments in the blink of a cybernetic eye. Looks like the odds will be stacked against Snake even more than usual as plagues of chilling biomechanical bipedal tanks take over. We’re scared…and excited.

2. Assassin’s Creed (Ubisoft. PlayStation 3, X-Box 360)
It’s Prince of Persia, but not as we know it. You play as Altair, a lithe, nimble assassin (like, duh) who is a member of a shady guild during the time of the Crusades. What really has us wanting this game is the promise of lateral thinking and go anywhere, do anything gameplay. If Ubisoft successfully deliver on their vision, then players are in for a real treat. Add inventive swordplay and a retractable wrist mounted blade for quick, covert scalpings coupled with a clever control system which has you controlling Altair’s individual limbs and Assassin’s Creed is shaping up to be hot property indeed.
While we’re on the subjects of athletic killers, Ninja Theory’s Heavenly Sword deserves a special mention as it too is looking like it could be a beautiful dose of hacking and slashing for the PS3. Watch this space.

1. Grand Theft Auto IV (Rockstar. PlayStation 3, X-Box 360)
This is the big one. The first proper sequel to Grand Theft Auto III, (the clue’s in the title, folks) the expectation riding on GTA IV is immense. Due late in the year, (around October) Rockstar have plenty of time to polish their baby to a blinding shine. Details on the game are currently scarcer than Britney Spears knickers but are expected to emerge slowly in the coming months. The Shed hopes to see a game of San Andreas size, fully accessible interiors, fully destructible scenery, monkeys on bicycles, hot air balloons, the ability to explore space and the edge of the universe. Ok, so we’re not expecting too much, but now we’re just waiting with baited breath for the first screenshots to emerge. Get a move on, Rockstar!

Bad news just in: no Resident Evil 5 until 2008 otherwise this would have easily made the 2007 list. It’s going to be a loooooong wait as this one shambles towards release like the decaying undead.

End of Year review: 2006

In 2006 we discovered of the old rather than danced with the new. But what new stuff The Shed did check in our own insular way, we enjoyed very much:

MUSIC
Landon's picks:
Spank Rock: YoYoYoYoYo (Big Dada)
Kool Keith-style sex rhymes, block party boom music and Armani XXXchange, one of my new favourite producers.
J Dilla: Donuts (Stones Throw)
Another hip hop legend passes, leaving behind this shiny beauty atop a career pile of gems. Re-inventing soul music, hinting at new directions we'll unfortunately never see, it's a whirlwind experiment, a stroke of casual genius.
Thom Yorke: The Eraser (XXL)
Thom makes laptop magic, a companion to the Kid A era sound. Brooding, uplifting and atmospheric as always, but more direct and personal. Gotta feel that voice.
Battles: EP C/B EP (Warp)
What is it? I don't know but I love it, all chopped guitars and brain melting rhythms. Smells something like a rock band playing instrumental hip hop, but in neither box. A danceable soundtrack.

Rich's picks
Didn't really take in much music this year. The Killers new album, Sam's Town is alright I suppose and I can't really remember what else came out this year. I've been enjoying old music mostly. I'm an aural ignoramous this year. Sorry.

MOVIES
Landon's pick:
The Host (Dir. Joon-ho Bong)
My favourite this year. Engrossing and suspenseful, a monster movie of originality and class that's anything but straightforward. Flips from tragedy to comedy in a second, keeping you on your toes, deftly spicing political and social criticism with the main family drama. It's $12 million dollar budget goes a long, long way.
Lady Vengeance (Dir. Chan-wook Park)
The best end to a brilliant trilogy since Back To The Future III. Not as heart-rending as Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance, not so crazy raw as Oldboy, but altogether a more elegant beast. Like an ornate mirror it's beautiful in it's own right but also reflects well on the previous two, allowing for appreciation of the whole.
Grizzly Man (Dir. Werner Herzog)
Fascinating documentary subject in Timothy Treadwell, self-invented wildlife actvist and bear enthusiast. That Herzog can cut 100 odd hours of footage shot over a 13 year period into such a precise, personal tale is tribute to his talent, but also makes a fitting epitaph for Treadwell and his life's mission.
Brick (Dir. Rian Johnson)
A clever conceit (hardboiled detective story supplanted to a sun-bleached California high school) that calmly delivers. Sharp dialogue and a heavy central performance from Joseph Gordon Levitt. Johnson's six year struggle to get the film made makes it that much sweeter to marvel at.
Miami Vice (Dir. Michael Mann)
I had no doubts going in (it's my boy Mann), I had some gripes coming out (emotionally empty, Colin Farrell, digital film at times not so convincing as in Collateral) and still it impressed; an action movie with the style and balls to stand tall. Favourite scene: the trailer park standoff, a masterclass in suspense. A film for the guys, it makes me want to drink mojitos in Cuba, grow a 'tache, shoot automatic weapons. Just kidding, about the mojitos anyway.

Rich's pick:

Casino Royale (dir. Martin Campbell)

Daniel Craig silenced his critics and we were treated to the best Bond film for the last decade. For me, this is the stand-out film of the year, purely because I was worried that it would be a mess and I could have wept with joy when I found out that not only is it not a disaster, it's actually an incredible film in it's own right, Bond or otherwise.

The Departed (dir. Martin Scorsese)

Marty firing on all cylinders like back in the day. A searing cops and crims thriller with stellar performances from a flawless cast.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Rocky Bobby (dir. Adam McKay)

Funniest movie of the year, without a shadow of a doubt. Will Ferrell's on form and John C. Reilly is a comic revelation. The funniest racing car movie since Days of Thunder, and that was hilarious.

GAMES
Landon's pick:
Shadow Of The Colossus (PS2. SCE)
Mostly I get my games on at Rich's house, mostly for sheer jokes (Scarface). But Colossus I had to play alone, a personal journey. Sparse, enigmatic storytelling to fire the imagination, gorgeous otherworldly landscapes, a fantasy title I can actually dig. I found myself completely bewitched by it, fully immersed and by it's end, genuinely touched. Who would have thought games could be so moving? An instant entry into my hall of fame.

Rich's pick:

Where to start? We've been spoilt this year , but as a PS2 and PSP owner, I'm biased, so here are my picks.

Canis Canem Edit (PS2. Rockstar)

Capturing perfectly the rose-tinted hue of bygone school days, CCE is a charming, enjoyable game. The school hierarchy is something you find yourself easily caught up in, school was never this much fun.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories (PSP. Rockstar)

Yeah, yeah. Rockstar again. And yeah, yeah it's Grand Theft Auto which is in it's fifth 3D installment and yes, it is essentially more of the same. But when it's this good we can't get enough...although, we'd like something mind-blowing for GTA IV please, Mr. Rockstar.

Heroes 06: Korean cinema, Fumito Ueda, Robert Altman, James Brown, Arnie (every year).
Dicks 06: Mel Gibson.

Review: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories (2006, Rockstar. PSP)

Of all the console sandbox titles out there, Grand Theft Auto is undoubtedly the daddy. It is the game that has inspired more imitators than any other, from True Crime to Saint’s Row to Total Overdose, Mercenaries, Just Cause…the list goes on and on. None of them have managed to surpass or even equal the original and best, yet who would have thought that the 3D iterations of the world famous series would remain so fresh after five instalments in as many years.
Although essentially more of the same, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories adds a twist to the usual proceedings. Clearly Rockstar have had a peek at the competition, notably Scarface: TWIY as VCS is all about building your own empire (see Scarface: TWIY review below) and ultimately taking over Vice City. Protection rackets, loan sharking and prostitution leads to drugs, smuggling and robbery, quickly yielding enormously profitable results. For the first time in a GTA game, the money comes in large quantities, fast and relatively simply.
This time round you plays as ex-marine Vic Vance, brother of Vice City supporting star Lance Vance. As a marine you have some extra moves to be used in close combat, conveniently lifted from Canis Canem Edit. So now you can grab enemies, chuck them to the ground, pummel them a bit or why not just snap their neck? It’s a nice touch to now have a few extra options at your fingertips in a close-combat scuffle. However, when things start to get chaotic, slowdown can be a constant bugbear. In the heat of a busy scrap it can often contribute to your being wasted where normally it could be avoided.
Previous game Liberty City Stories demonstrated that GTA could work well on PSP despite annoying little irritations like the aforementioned instances of slowdown as well as ghosting during rapid movement and vaguely twitchy character models accompanied by an eerie, perpetual ‘heat haze.’ Unfortunately both of these problems persist with VCS, but these minor visual issues never marr the overall experience.
Everything you could do in the PS2 version of Vice City is expanded upon, so you can still fly helicopters and ride motorcycles but the addition of BMXs, quads and jet skis add a little variety to the usual vehicles on offer.
As always, missions are interesting and varied and the usual selection of rampages, unique jumps and other collectibles complement the central narrative and are there to be completed should you have the perseverance to garner that elusive 100%.
Still, there’s a nagging feeling that without the empire building facet of GTA: VCS, this would just be another conventional GTA game, which is no bad thing. It merely raises the question of where the series can go on next-generation consoles. It’s time the series was given a bit of a shake-up as Rockstar could easily churn these out forever and they’d still remain popular and lucrative. The Shed loves the GTA series and knows that Rockstar are bound to pull something special out of the bag for GTA IV. Until then, we’re happy with the latest chapter of GTA on PSP, as it does everything you’d expect and more. Executed with the customary deft style and panache, GTA: VCS is a triumph and stands as the most essential title yet for PSP. Even the presence of Phil Collins doesn’t spoil it. It nearly makes him seem cool…what other game can boast such a unique accolade?

Verdict: 9/10

Review: Scarface: The World Is Yours (2006, Vivendi Universal. PS2, X-Box)

Tony Montana died at the end of Scarface (1983), there’s no doubt about that. He soaked up bullets like a lead sponge and fell face down in his pool. Dead, dead, dead. There was blood and everything. Scarface: The World Is Yours asks: what if Tony hadn’t bought it? What would have happened then? Opening with the climactic shootout it’s your job to shoot your way out and rebuild Montana’s crushed empire. It’s a genuinely upsetting moment when you see Tony’s respect meter and bank balance drain to zero. You’re clear on the game’s objective at this point: rebuild Tony’s vast empire to its former glory. First the money, then the power then the women - you know the drill.
From humble beginnings, small time drug deals and property acquisitions, it’s not long before you’re caught up in full-scale gang wars battling for Miami turf. Soon you’re engaged in major drug runs, distributing large quantities of coke (that’s cocaine, not the brown, bubbly soft drink, kids) to the masses. The cash starts to accumulate so quickly that you’ll happily spunk millions on cars, boats and stuffed tigers or pink flamingos (obviously) for your mansion: perfectly in keeping with the over-the-top 80’s excess of the movie. Later on you’re able to buy businesses and hire henchmen specialising in certain tasks to do your dirty work for you. It’s rewarding involving stuff and makes you feel like you’re playing something that exists as a natural expansion of the movie world, the game is so true to the look and feel of the iconic film.
Scarface: TWIY is arguably the best movie adaptation ever, the Al Pacino likeness is spot on and the voice performance (care of an impersonator hand-picked by Al himself) is excellent. Also true to the film is the wonderfully creative and colourful language Tony uses, which you can activate at any time just by pressing O. So an artful “cocksucker” or “fuckin’ cock-a-roach” is never far away. Pressing the swear button during a heated gun fight leaves you open to fire but fills the all-important ‘balls’ meter and accumulating balls is the crux of the game, earning both money and respect. Complete risky drug runs and the screen will proclaim: ‘1000 balls!’ Survive a hairy shootout and chuck in some defiant taunts and watch the balls roll in. It’s all about the balls. Fill your meter to the max and you can unleash Tony’s rage mode which switches the perspective to a first-person view and renders you invincible for a short time whilst killing enemies replenishes health. It adds a welcome dose of strategy to gunplay lacking in other Grand Theft Auto Xeroxes.
Yet, Scarface: TWIY is far from perfect. Although graphically solid and convincing the game world is badly designed. A game like this is always going to invite comparisons with GTA, so here goes. In GTA, it’s always possible to find shortcuts and hidden areas with relative ease. Not so in Scarface: TWIY. The number of times you hit a dead end during a car chase, will have you grinding your teeth. Fall in the drink and you have to swim for ages before you find a way to get out. That is unless you get eaten by a shark(!) first. What Scarface: TWIY thankfully doesn't share with GTA is the skittish, unreliable aiming system, which really helps when you’re taking on waves of ruthless cock-a-roaches. Oh, and try to steal a car in the same way as you would in GTA and you’ll bounce off the bonnet like a rag-doll making Tony look like a pussy. Stupid. There’s also an over-reliance on fill-the-meter mini-games to negotiate deals, which soon becomes tiresome.
That Scarface: TWIY remains immensely playable despite these niggles is proof that it represents it’s source material perfectly and shows it due respect, and isn’t that what it’s all about? Respect? Well, that and balls, apparently.
Verdict: 8/10

Gravel voiced greats # 3.5. Tone Lōc

"A lot of rappers got flavour, and some got skills/But if your voice ain't dope then you need to chill"

THE MUSIC














After experimenting with various folk ensembles, young Anthony's life settled into the deep groove that hip hop provided and the world came to know him through his music. It was party music, a feel good sound with a sweetness to counteract the sour themes NWA, Ice-T and the like were exploring at the time. If West Coast rap was a bowl and gangsta rap some natural yoghurt, Tone was the much needed honey to complete the scene. Legend has it that super-producer Dr. Dre learnt how to makes beats over at Tone's house. No Lōc? No Dre, no G-funk, no Snoop, no Eminem, no 50 Cent, no Game. Game over, in fact.

He was a unifying force, a rapper for everyone. He wanted to make hip hop whole. He is a man of the people: "Whether I'm in a shoe box or performing for the Queen of England, it doesn't matter, I make it sound the same." Liz loved his show and so did the shoes.

The tune that launched Tone Lōc into super-stardom was the aforementioned 'Wild Thing' in 1989. While Public Enemy, the Beastie Boys and Run DMC had flirted with a fusion of rap and rock, Tone was the first to make it shiny for the masses. While white people were afraid of or appalled by most hip hop, they now found their pasty limbs moving uncontrollably to Lōc's easy access beat, their brains familiar with the track by 60's rock band The Troggs that Tone was name-checking. While 2 Live Crew were getting into legal trouble for their use of samples, Tone was laughing as he liberally took the guitar riff and drums of Van Halen's 'Jamie's Cryin'. The band didn't sue. Point is, if you're as cool as Lōc, you don't have to pay royalties, motherfucker.

The booty shake classic had a clever video too, Tone aping the 'girls with guitars' theme seen in the vid for Robert Palmer's smarmy sex anthem 'Addicted To Love'. Tone did it with more taste though, opting for a super-cool black and white look. What's more, it only cost $340 to make. Holler. Lōc was an astute cultural remixer with a gift for iconic images and sounds. A hip hop Tarantino, you might say.
If you need further evidence, check the sleeve of his '89 debut album, Lōc'ed After Dark. In showing the influence of legendary jazz artwork, Tone attained an untouchable West Coast cool. He took hip hop by the hand and guided it into the future. Tone Lōc is a post-modern hustler.

For me, the icing on his first album is the colossal banger 'Funky Cold Medina'. These days showy rappers wear diamonds and drink Cristal and spend thousands to entice women. Why pour your money down the drain? They should be calling up Tone to get the recipe for Funky Cold Medina. You see, the tune is all about a magic love potion guaranteed to give the horn and have people fighting to get in your shorts. Tone doesn't need to drink it (it's made from his essence), but he's telling all listeners to look inside and find their inner pimp juice, that crunk juice that'll make you get up on the dancefloor and grab a girlie. It's a torch song to self-affirmation. That and he gets to rhyme Medina with wiener.

In another classic promo, Lōc gets up to all sorts of havoc with the mystical green elixir. He feeds it to his dog (and has all the dogs coming over to his house, a charming little metaphor), he turns down transvestites (while making you irresistible, sadly a Funky Cold One still gets you fucking wrecked). "Ain't no plans with a man/this is the 80s and Lōc is down with the ladies..." he quips. Tone likes to crack jokes but has to state for the record that he ain't gay - thus establishing a rap archetype. He also has to turn down a marriage proposal - the Medina has backfired! Girls, Lōc doesn't want wedded bliss, he just wants to fuck. Another hip hop staple? Check. So remember, if you're a single 40-something and you're worried you'll die alone, get the Medinas in. Not too much though, or you'll end up pouring it down the drain like Lōc at the end of the video. Clearly Lōc doesn't care about the environment. I'm not mad at the guy. At least it ain't money, right?

Check these pictures - this guy is rocking some kind of portable mixer/turntable device, evidence that Tone was a pioneer in electronics, too. He then defied conventional thought and went one better, adding a fucking fret board! What became of this device and why isn't it on a wall at the Hard Rock cafe? Rumour says a device labelled 'Lōc-SP550' surfaced at an auction in 1996, but quickly disappeared into the hands of a shadowy bidder. It is a mystery as intriguing as that of Lōc's name, forever shrouded in a laid-back mist.

You might say Tone Jōke if you find him laughable, or Tone Crōak because of the frog in his throat, or Tone Brōke because you saw him on Celebrity Fit Club. Mock all you want. He'll be back. Not in some apocalyptic storm cloud of hail and fire, no. One bright summers day, he'll be walking down a street in your neighbourhood...

YOU: Hey, Tone
TONE: Hey, man
YOU: Where you been? When's the new album coming out?

Tone will smile and hand you a record. You'll watch him walk off into a mirage on the horizon. You'll go home, drop the needle to the groove. As you listen, you'll cry a single sepia coloured tear. It will be the best album you've ever heard.

~Landon Garrett

Gravel voiced greats # 3. Tone Lōc

I was about ten years old when I was introduced to Tone Lōc. Whenever I recall that moment, I see comedy legend John Candy pissing in my mind's eye. Wiping away the metaphoric urine and a lone rose-tinted tear, I smile as the scene from Uncle Buck (1989) plays in my head: the touching routine where Buck tries to piss in a kindergarten urinal. The 'Wild Beats' instrumental of Lōc's track 'Wild Thing' lends the moment a sweet comedic bounce and I remember being captivated by the rhythm. A white boy living in rural England, hip hop was alien to me at that point, but a seed was sewn. It could be said my love of hip hop and movies grew from there, fused together in the fire of my heart, the flames extinguished by John Candy's piss to forge a lifelong love of both art-forms.

First, the name. There are conflicting sources as to the origins of Anthony Terrell Smith's monicker. Some say it originated when his peers nicknamed him "Antonio Loco" (Spanish for "crazy Anthony"). Others say the word "Lōc" stands for 'Love of Crips', showing his colours in connection to the South Compton Crips, an L.A. street gang. Personally I like to think Anthony shares my passion for sweet French snacks, 'Lōc' meaning 'Love of Crêpes'.

THE FILMS

Another early personal intro to the man came when he supplied his dirty throat buzz for animated feature FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992). Voice acting was a natural fit for Tone, but he didn't stop there. Great voice + great face = a steady career as a reliable character actor, playing heroes on both sides of the law, laid-back and laconic and wooing movie-going cynics who frown on rap music. On the set of Poetic Justice (1993) Lōc would butt heads (literally) with Tupac Shakur. Pac was stunned (literally) by Lōc's cool verve and a complex 40 minute freestyle about French cuisine. Tupac would have just 3 years left to implement all Lōc had taught him over those few days filming. Before his death in '96, Shakur had dropped four multi-Platinum albums. After his death, Tupac's legend lives on; particles of his ashes reincarnated as 'new' releases, to the platinum joy of record companies the world over. Tone Lōc, like a wise mentor never selfish in spreading knowledge, smiles on Pac's success.

The heat of Tupac's burgeoning fame made Tone want for simpler things, and so it was he showed a laid-back and direct performance alongside Rob Schneider in Surf Ninjas (1993). Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) followed, perhaps Tone's finest role as laid-back cop Emilio. Doubters chuckled when he didn't return in the hit sequel, Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), but were 'flipped the bird' when Tone was hand picked by the great Michael Mann to work on Heat (1995). Tone continues to work in film and television. Huh? You wouldn't have heard of any of them, you only watch shit.

Today rappers have it easy. Record sales translate easily into star-vehicle offers (see Eminem and 50 Cent), glorified biopics about lives before the mic - drunken toasts, cheap blends of fact and much fiction. Back when Lōc was making records it was raw charisma alone that was the golden ticket to the dreamland of the movies. Of course there are others who managed to juggle music and acting successfully, all of them breaking into film after Tone Lōc had gained Hollywood's acceptance.

Check the roll call: Ice-T (credited wrongly by many as the O.G. rapper/actor), LL Cool J (Lackluster Lōc, Cool? Just...), Ice Cube (also producer, writer & director) and Will Smith. On paper, Smith seems to be the rapper that broke the mould, the shining example of how it should be done. He is the highest paid black actor in Hollywood, commanding $20 million a movie plus 20% of the box office. For screaming headless turkey I, Robot (2004) alone he banked $35 mill. Fact is y'all, Lōc don't need the money, because he has the RESPECT. Lōc is the mirror image of Tony Montana. First he had women, then power, then...respect - something I give none of the others on the list.

Tone didn't make IGN's Top 10 Rappers Turned Actors list (though they had the pips to include Mark Wahlberg), but he sure made mine, coming in at positions 1 through 10.

~Landon Garrett

Movie review: Stranger Than Fiction (December, 2006)

You’d be forgiven for thinking that this is another movie based upon a mind-warping script from quirky scribe Charlie Kaufman, the man behind Being John Malkovich (1999) and Adaptation (2002), but it’s not. It’s actually the work of debut scribbler Zak Helm and as such it stands up as fantastic piece of work from a first-time screenwriter.
When Harold wakes one day to hear his life being narrated by a woman with a British accent and a better vocabulary, he quickly realises the perceptions of the people around him and becomes aware of the trivial idiosyncrasies that make up his everyday life. Harold becomes increasingly agitated, until one day he hears that he has set in motion the events that will lead to his death. Crick determines that he must find and stop the narrator before he meets his end.
Treading a similar route to Jim Carrey in The Truman Show (1998), Will Ferrell opts for a restrained approach as hapless IRS man Harold Crick only letting loose once or twice with a trademark frustrated man-child yell. Ferrell’s performance lends his character pathos and sympathy as he strives to convince everyone that he isn’t crazy, although he’s essentially hearing a voice in his head. Maggie Gyllenhaal is excellent as the pissed off cookie bakery owning anarchist undergoing an audit from Ferrell’s milquetoast taxman, becoming an unlikely love interest.
Stranger Than Fiction moves along at a nice, steady pace as Crick tries desperately to find the author of the persistent commentary accompanying his everyday life. Dustin Hoffman provides solid support as the English lecturer helping Harold through his unique dilemma, playing a similar character to the one portrayed in I Heart Huckabee’s (2004).

A feel good romantic comedy, marred only by line graphics that soon grate after excessive use and a pointless turn from Queen Latifah, Stranger Than Fiction is a success, despite a somewhat cosy conclusion. Well-written, well executed, funny and heart warming, Stranger Than Fiction is well worth seeing.
****

Movie review: Casino Royale (November, 2006)

Let’s face facts; the last Bond film was a throwaway affair, bogged down by ropey CGI effects, ridiculous ideas and stupid gadgets (invisible car, anyone?). Fast becoming a franchise bloated with excess, it was inevitable that Bond would have to go back to his roots in order to survive in the 21st century. With Casino Royale, Bond goes back to his roots in more ways than one. Actually based on Ian Fleming’s original novel, Casino Royale reveals how Bond became a 00 agent and as such serves as a reboot for a the franchise in the same way Batman Begins (2005) was a revision after the neon mess that were the previous two movies.
Bond’s birth is an unrelenting baptism of fire as he undergoes immense tests of physical and mental endurance. For the first time in the series, Bond is humanised more than ever. For this, full credit has to go to Daniel Craig, who has truly made the character his own. Any doubters or sceptics will instantly be silenced after witnessing Craig’s performance; his Bond is altogether relentlessly animalistic and cold-hearted yet perceptibly vulnerable: a complicated contradiction that makes Bond less easy to categorise as previous incarnations. As seemingly invincible and ruthless as The Terminator one minute (the runway sequence), exposed and lovelorn (“I have no armour left…You’ve stripped it from me”) the next, you’ll empathise with and root for Bond more than ever.

If you thought Bond suffered in the opening sequence of Die Another Day (2002), then the squirm inducing torture scene will leave you feeling queasy. Craig’s Bond actually convinces as an unfeeling killing machine, his craggy features making him the most unconventional yet, whilst at the same time being the most believable. When he beats the living crap out of a bad guy, there’s no doubt that he could snap him in two with his bare hands. Equally comfortable in a sharp tux playing cards and drinking martinis you’ll forget about the (in retrospect: ridiculous) furore over ‘blond Bond’ and embrace the reality that Daniel Craig is James Bond and he’s here to stay.
Ignore reviews criticising the pivotal card game at the titular casino as protracted. It’s not: it’s exactly as long as it needs to be, although the summarisations from Mathis (Giancarlo Giannini) at certain junctures aren’t needed. What you have is a tense sequence where the stakes are high and the drama is palpable. Mads Mikkelsen menaces as villainous card sharp and eccentric mathematical virtuoso Le Chiffre, his poker tell a sinister bloody tear. Minor gripes like the opening credit sequence (in keeping with the theme, but a bit cheap-looking) and a woefully misjudged accompanying song pail into insignificance after the first explosive, free-running action sequence has played out. And within the first ten minutes you’re hooked and then you realise, new Bond rocks. Still, all the important elements that make Bond, Bond are still all present and correct. There are moments of humour, quick-witted comments, cool cars, stunningly beautiful women (Eva Green and Caterina Murino are outstandingly sexy) and sun-kissed European locations. Therein lies the key to the success of Casino Royale. None of the tradition has been tampered with, it’s still familiar but it’s clearly been influenced by the Bourne movies, adopting a raw, spare, non-glitzy approach.

Casino Royale will take hold of you from the very beginning and won’t let go until the climactic scene, where that immortal line is finally uttered, that theme kicks in and Bond is officially reborn. Bring on the sequel.
****

Review: Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (2006, Lucasarts. PS2, PSP, X-Box, X-Box 360, PC, GameCube, DS, GBA)

A short time ago in a galaxy very, very near… the debacle that was the new Star Wars movies (Revenge of the Sith excepted...just) shattered the faith of a generation of fans and made George Lucas an unpopular (if ludicrously rich) man. But don’t even get us started on the lacklustre licensed games that accompanied said movies. In short, they all stank worse than Jabba’s slimy thong. All except for one: Lego Star Wars (ok, two including the Star Wars: Battlefront games).
Based on the original Star Wars trilogy -otherwise known as THE HOLY TRILOGY- the Lego Star Wars sequel is a real coup for gamers and Star Wars fans alike, a great Star Wars game based on the best loved movies of the saga. As with the previous Lego Star Wars, you play through the key sequences from the movies taking control of virtually any character from the trilogy. Obviously this involves unlocking them all first, but you’ll want to since all the classic characters are here: Luke Skywalker, Boba Fett, Han Solo, Chewbacca and the baddest Sith of all Lord Darth Vader.
Developer Traveller’s Tales have meticulously rebuilt the entire Star Wars universe using millions of lovingly rendered little colourful Lego bricks and those iconic smiley-faced Lego people and for this we should be immensely grateful. Never has something so apparently removed from the all-enveloping darkness of the Star Wars films been so faithful to the look and feel of the saga.
Key to Lego Star Wars II’s appeal is it’s innate sensibility of undiluted fun and simplicity. The controls are so simple that a child can master them, yet the game is challenging enough to test even seasoned gamers. Be warned, this is still a bigger, tougher, game than the previous instalment and there’s a lot more stuff to collect and unlock in this one too. It’s still a bit undemanding for the hardened gamer who’s finished all of Devil May Cry’s difficulty modes, but then to make a game like this an insurmountable challenge is like making a Disney game harder than R-Type.
Casual back seat gamers can still drop in and out for bite size bursts of co-operative play or join in and play through the whole game if they so wish. It’s the perfect game to brighten up a dull day too, packed to the gills with funny little sight gags and slapstick jokes.
If you’ve ever wanted to roll in Luke’s landspeeder or stomp Ewoks in an AT-ST walker then you can .New features include the ability to assume control of vehicles and customise your own bizarre Frankenstein’s monster type freaks from a variety of Lego body parts. Ever fancied playing as Yoda in Princess Leia’s gold bikini with Chewie’s furry limbs? Then you’re a deeply disturbed individual.
More enjoyable than bullseyeing Wamp rats in your T-14, if you don’t end up loving Lego Star Wars II's quirky take on a galaxy far, far away…then you’re probably dead inside. Or you’re a droid, or something. The force is strong in this one etc. Just buy it if you haven't already.
Verdict: 9/10

Gravel voiced greats #2. Gary Busey

Born William Gareth Jacob Busey Sr. in Goose Creek, Texas on 29th June 1944, the talented rough-hewn, blonde actor was a gifted musician who had aspirations for a life in show business. With a visage sculpted by God for the purpose of playing screen villains and characters with indistinct moral agendas it didn’t take long for Busey to hit the big time.
Few actors manage to make an impression as enduring villains in movies. For every truly imposing, nefarious baddie there’s one that doesn’t quite make the grade. Comparing Bond villains Eliot Carver with Ernst Stavros Blofeld for instance is simply no comparison whatsoever. Gary Busey falls into the former category, each one of his movie evildoers a fully fleshed out, note perfect performance. It’s impossible not to recall Busey’s star turns as bad guys in films like Lethal Weapon (1987), Under Siege (1992) and Drop Zone (1994), each one a lesson in screen villainy that will be etched into your brain forever once you’ve been fortunate enough to witness them. That shark-toothed grin, a subtle, ambiguous glint in the eye suggesting higher, more complex Machiavellian machinations: Busey brings extra dimensions to potentially 2-dimensional characters. His characters are 5D. Mr. Joshua, Commander Krill and Ty Moncrief rank among the greatest movie bad guys of all-time, deserving a place alongside Hans Gruber (Die Hard), John Doe (Se7en), The Joker (Batman) and Ursula (The Little Mermaid) as the best ever to grace the silver screen.

To pigeonhole Busey in bad guy roles however is to see only one of his five sides, for Gary Busey is an acting pentagon where most other actors only manage to be triangles (De Niro) or at best squares (Pacino). Some only manage parallel lines (Brando), unable to form complete shapes. Boasting a stunning career that began with his portrayal of a biker in Angels Hard As They Come (1971), Gary Busey has continued to work consistently over the years garnering numerous supporting roles and bit parts in more than a hundred movies. Wowing critics as Buddy Holly in the imaginatively The Buddy Holly Story (1978) Busey won plaudits and an Oscar nomination for his performance. His subsequent career glossed over this minor achievement as he went on to achieve mega stardom in a plethora of fantastic, popular movies such as Steel Sharks (1996), Hot Boyz (1999) and G-Men From Hell (2000). Criminally, few of these roles have been leads as shortsighted studio execs fail to see talent when it’s right up in their faces. Gary Busey is Hollywood’s greatest nearly man, deserving of so much more. Hearing his trademark gravel-voice is to hear the voice of a god, a sure vocal assertion, like the sound of gargled razor blades belying the mixed intentions of his character. In contrast, Busey’s good guys radiate confidence, reliability, toughness and an underlying vain of selfless heroism: men who will put their lives on the line to save the day. On the flipside, Busey’s bad guys exude playful menace, a steely, determined drive to achieve malicious goals in addition to an all too chilling suggestion of other psychotic, sadistic traits.

A salute then, to not only a great actor, but also a great man and above all an under appreciated hero of modern cinema. An unstable nitro-glycerine-plutonium smart bomb of unpredictable brilliance, Gary Busey, now in his twilight years remains an enigma. A man who may still be destined for far greater things, Busey is set to wow again in a number of films now in post-production. For now, check out his voice in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories as he reprises the role of one-armed Phil Cassidy on PSP. Then watch this space and listen out for more of those gravelly tones in the near future. You won’t want to miss out: trust us. He'll be back smoking on a fat stogie, ready to eat Steven Seagal's face.

Review: Canis Canem Edit (2006, Rockstar. PS2)

School days, eh? Weren’t they great? No? School for most is a socially awkward time, pupils divided into cliques, having to watch your back for phlegm-laden projectiles. No? Just us then.
Canis Canem Edit (formerly Bully, before ignorant Daily Mail-reading controversy-mongers got their way - don't get us started) manages to encapsulate the school experience perfectly, having to adhere to a strict routine, encountering morally dubious teachers: all the elements are present and correct. What’s most beautiful about the game is the hazy, nostalgic Breakfast Club-era vibe that it exudes. Don’t expect to bump into knife wielding scholarly pariahs on Bullworth Academy’s grounds, this is school like it used to be, or how we remember it at least. Comments that the game is ' a Columbine simulator' are way off the mark and the refusal of some stores to stock the game are ludicrous.
Starting out, you’re railroaded through the opening missions and lessons in order to progress. It’s only when the front gates swing open that you discover the town of Bullworth and the wealth of new challenges and possibilities on offer. Paper rounds, BMX races, boxing, even a carnival complete with sideshows and rides can be visited for the very reasonable admission fee of just $1. Bullworth is a fully realised community, taking in abandoned warehouses, docks, railways, beaches, slums, posh housing estates and trailer parks.

Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap!
Playing as Jimmy Hopkins - a troubled kid, abandoned by his gold-digging mother – you decide to take the school back from the jocks and bullies ruling the playground preying on the weak and helpless. At your disposal is a fluid and accessible combat system where you can effortlessly take on multiple assailants and come out looking tough...sorry, I meant well 'ard. It’s a vast improvement on the brawling system adopted by the Grand Theft Auto series and even surpasses the combat in The Warriors. Jimmy can pick up any weapons lying around too, such as baseball bats, planks and dustbin lids. Your inventory also gives you access to a slingshot (obviously), eggs, stink bombs, firecrackers and some quirky, cool surprises that we’ll not ruin for you here. As Jimmy you can wreak havoc all over the school and surrounding town. However, vandalism, bullying and harassment come with severe penalties if you happen to get caught by an authority figure. Canis Canem Edit is undoubtedly the most enjoyable game the Shed has played this year by far, the sheer variety of missions and side quests on offer mean that you’re never short of things to do. Bullworth’s world is one that conveys a firm feeling of involvement, your actions affecting the relationships between the school hierarchy and social strata. Ultimately, the objective is to acquire 100% popularity among all of your peers, but to achieve this often involves putting a rival group’s nose out of joint. Factor in serial meddler and nemesis Gary Smith and things get very complicated, very quickly. Despite this you’ll always manage to effortlessly overcome your rivals and any offending obstacles because Canis Canem Edit is a bit on the easy side. Thankfully there’s plenty of game to play through meaning that you won’t be finishing it in a hurry. Once again, Rockstar have passed with flying colours, delivering a game that is both fun and involving, harking back to those rose-tinted, bygone school days of yore. So, a big tick and a smiley face then. Well done.
Verdict: 9/10

Post-script: A rant. Once again myopic morons have been up in arms again over the latest controversial scapegoat: the game formerly known as Bully. Have they even played it? If they had they'd know that it's not nearly as violent as normal, everyday school life. There's no knife crime, no shooting fellow pupils (One narrow-minded dumbass has been quoted saying the game is a 'Columbine simulator'). So, this rant goes out to all the foamy mouthed, buttoned down, always morally outraged Daily Mail sect who would ban anything even remotely shocking if they could. The Shed doesn't like you.

Movie review: The Departed (October, 2006)

Based upon 2002's Hong Kong crime saga Infernal Affairs, The Departed takes the original's basic premise and weaves an intricate police story set in Boston. Featuring an outstanding, stellar ensemble cast means Scorsese's movie packs a huge dramatic punch. Jack Nicholson is the movie's lynch pin, eating up the scenery whenever he's on-screen, his character Frank Costello a ruthless, twisted and powerful presence. That he doesn't quite steal the movie is testament to the entire cast's strength. Leonardo DiCaprio is incredible as Billy Costigan, a cop forced to work undercover within Frank's clique, he brings a hard edge to the character that is thoroughly convincing. Also worthy of note is Mark Wahlberg's acerbic Sergeant, a foul mouthed, intimidating bastard who'll never let a chance to relentlessly prod and verbally harass his colleagues pass by. Matt Damon, Martin Sheen, Ray Winstone, Alec Baldwin and Vera Farmiga all deserve to be mentioned as there isn't a weak link amongst the players, every performance pitch perfect. Kicking off with a prologue typical of Goodfellas (1990), with it's Rolling Stones soundtrack, the movie drags you in from the off and doesn't let go. It's the most engrossing Scorsese picture since Casino (1995) and also the director's best in a long time. Simply put, this is a Scorsese film in every sense. The violence is sudden and shocking, bloody and graphic. Boston is brought to life in gritty detail, a looming urban backdrop to the twisty-turny plot.
Anyone familiar with the original will think they know what to expect, but will be pleasantly surprised to learn that The Departed is no mere lazy retread. Arguably, Scorsese's movie actually manages to outstrip the original in terms of emotional intensity. The character's all reach a peak of emotional turmoil, events moving at such a pace, action escalating towards its conclusion that it leaves you hanging from the edge of your seat. What it does lack however is the character dichotomy that exists in Andrew Lau's Infernal Affairs. Lau's film is more thoughtful and steadily paced where Scorsese's is fast, punchy and explosive. However, both films deserve to be seen and judged on their own individual merits.
So, go see The Departed and if you haven't seen Infernal Affairs see that too. Both films are indispensable and the bottom line is that The Departed is Scorsese's best since Casino, hands down.
*****

The Vinnie Jones Brand

DISCLAIMER: Despite negative opinions expressed in the following article the author is a big comics fan. I'm very pleased to see comic adaptations getting proper budgets - it takes cash to make superheroes look convincing on film and allows artists in the movie biz to really go to town. Ok, many are not successful critically or with the fans but compared to the two Spidey joints from the 70s or the 1991 Captain America movie, they're fucking masterworks.

Still, cinematic shit stains become rife when so many films are churned out by directors and studios that care not for integrity or detail. I could devote a whole website to these criminals. For every Spider-Man there's a Fantastic Four, for every Sin City there's another dirty Alan Moore adap. While the X-Men movies are watchable in a non-committal, large-popcorn-large-drink kind of way, they're also pretty unmemorable. "But how about that great scene with the...nah, it's gone. Sorry."

If there's one thing I hate more than a shitty comic book adaptation its Vinnie Jones in a shitty comic book adaptation. It's a tragic fact that the VJ brand is now forever associated with X-Men history and the character Juggernaut. I haven't seen the film (I fear it) but The Shed tells me Vinnie injects the character with real English charm, spouting lines like "I need a piss!" and "I'M THE JAGG-A-NOWT!" Superhuman strength meets Mockney swagger, just as I'd always hoped. He must be reaching deep into the mysterious Brando-ether to pull out class like that. It's voodoo chemistry, part of a career series of acting lessons in which screen characters are distilled and reduced to being simply Vinnie Jones.

I can imagine the director saying "Ok Vin, in this scene you're feeling some major anguish, so I want you to wrap that sadness in a cloak of hot rage yeah?" Vinnie nodding, "Yeah...yeah...uh-huh" and then just doing what the fuck he wants when the cameras start rolling. But it's totally cool yeah, he's a friendly lad and all the crew like him. Likeability seems to be his appeal. I don't like him.

Looking back I prefer 'The Axe' in his Bacardi ads. He looks more impressive spinning in slow motion and wasting litres of alcohol than he ever could dressed as some gladiator clown. He looks like a bouncer 'really letting go' at a Halloween bash. Dude has been in 30 films in 8 years! That is insane. I thought he'd fade away nicely into early retirement, remembered for violence on the football pitch and squeezing a ball bag, but it looks like his square meaty head is here to stay.

Jone's Swordfish (2001) co-star Don Cheadle had this to say:
"Vinnie Jones was like, 'Come out to England, mate...' I was like, 'Not with you!' I like Vinnie Jones, but he'd probably take me to some spots I probably don't want to go." Yeah, like to a cinema to watch Swordfish...


Whilst I'm riding my high horse, here are some other shit movie comic punks: Chris O'Donnell as Robin. Just check the pictures for a taste of his uncut evil. What's he screaming at? "Hey photo-guy, aaaargh!" Who's he pointing at? "Don't laugh at my mask!"

Here's another, Jeep Swenson as Bane. He looks like the stock gimp in some bad 70s S&M flick. His arms look like they're made of papier-mâché. Nice shopping trolley, pal. (I haven't seen Batman & Robin either, I find prejudgement too enjoyable).


Landon Garrett for The Shed

Gravel voice greats # 1. Harvey Fierstein

'An actor's most valuable asset is his voice', a great actor with a great voice once said. More than familiar tics, a well-travelled face or the ability to undergo a complete 'method' transformation, an actor's voice is what marks him apart. A naturally piss whiny squeak of a voice cannot be disguised or forgiven. A true thesp must naturally project a distinct and prominent tone. Humphrey Bogart. Toshiro Mifune. James Earl Jones. Brian Cox. Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is no shiny happy coincidence they are some of the best actors to ever walk the earth (and indeed other planets in Jone's case, as voice of Darth Vader). And yet it's a sad mystery that most would forget to include another name on their list of personal faves: Harvey Fierstein.

Best known for his three self-penned plays The Torch Song Trilogy (1982-85) and the subsequent movie of the story in 1988, the works combined Harvey's talents for writing and acting and went on to become classics in gay theatre/cinema. Pooling his experiences as a stand-up, drag queen and columnist on gay issues, Harvey produced a piece of awarded and recognized work. Whatever. It's really all about Harvey's voice. THAT is the man's great talent, it's all you need to know. His 'gruff yet soft' voice is the real classic here.

This author first became aware of Harvey's work in the movie Independence Day (1996). Misunderstood by high brow pundits, the sci-fi extravaganza is nonetheless much-loved by small children and has since proved it's critical worth by generating $811,200,000 in worldwide box office (14th biggest worldwide gross of all time). Harvey's role as Marty Gilbert, the flamboyantly camp boss of Jeff Goldblum's journalist character was a real eye opener. Effortlessly weaving his acting style with the emotional landscape of the story, Fierstein danced beautifully between each scene. Light comedy early on, gritty drama with the rising panic of the alien invasion and finally a subtly played death as Marty is crushed by a falling car. It was a role that allowed Fierstein free reign with his voice, and rising to meet the heights of big 'event' cinema he soared with elegance and poise. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

It was around the time of ID4 that Harvey enjoyed some spotlight shine, working on Elmo Saves Christmas (1996), Kull The Conqueror (1997) (with the almighty Kevin Sorbo) and voicing one of Disney's most underrated pictures, Mulan (1998). Sadly for Harvey and the world it was a fragile level of success, much like Scott of the Antarctic - beaten in his pioneering race to reach the south pole, dying tragically on his return journey to base camp. All the respect but none of the glory, Harvey fell through the ice of Hollywood over-exposure and has struggled treading cold dark water for nearly a decade since.

We can only hope that a rumored 'Untitled Harvey Fierstein Project' TV series will go on to enjoy the same attention as recent hot shows like The Sopranos. Personally I hope it will feature Harvey dancing and singing (he is an accomplished singer) and reading monologues in an all white room, so we can really focus on his unique talent. Just Harvey, not even a chair or a microphone to distract the viewer; not even clothes, let the world see Harvey's raw naked ability. Each episode we will get a little more of the routine until finally, when watched in it's 24 hour entirety, viewers will burst into tears and know what they've missed all these years. They will know the name of Harvey Forbes Fierstein.

Landon Garrett for Heterogeneous Shed 2006