Gravel voiced greats # 3.5. Tone Lōc

"A lot of rappers got flavour, and some got skills/But if your voice ain't dope then you need to chill"

THE MUSIC














After experimenting with various folk ensembles, young Anthony's life settled into the deep groove that hip hop provided and the world came to know him through his music. It was party music, a feel good sound with a sweetness to counteract the sour themes NWA, Ice-T and the like were exploring at the time. If West Coast rap was a bowl and gangsta rap some natural yoghurt, Tone was the much needed honey to complete the scene. Legend has it that super-producer Dr. Dre learnt how to makes beats over at Tone's house. No Lōc? No Dre, no G-funk, no Snoop, no Eminem, no 50 Cent, no Game. Game over, in fact.

He was a unifying force, a rapper for everyone. He wanted to make hip hop whole. He is a man of the people: "Whether I'm in a shoe box or performing for the Queen of England, it doesn't matter, I make it sound the same." Liz loved his show and so did the shoes.

The tune that launched Tone Lōc into super-stardom was the aforementioned 'Wild Thing' in 1989. While Public Enemy, the Beastie Boys and Run DMC had flirted with a fusion of rap and rock, Tone was the first to make it shiny for the masses. While white people were afraid of or appalled by most hip hop, they now found their pasty limbs moving uncontrollably to Lōc's easy access beat, their brains familiar with the track by 60's rock band The Troggs that Tone was name-checking. While 2 Live Crew were getting into legal trouble for their use of samples, Tone was laughing as he liberally took the guitar riff and drums of Van Halen's 'Jamie's Cryin'. The band didn't sue. Point is, if you're as cool as Lōc, you don't have to pay royalties, motherfucker.

The booty shake classic had a clever video too, Tone aping the 'girls with guitars' theme seen in the vid for Robert Palmer's smarmy sex anthem 'Addicted To Love'. Tone did it with more taste though, opting for a super-cool black and white look. What's more, it only cost $340 to make. Holler. Lōc was an astute cultural remixer with a gift for iconic images and sounds. A hip hop Tarantino, you might say.
If you need further evidence, check the sleeve of his '89 debut album, Lōc'ed After Dark. In showing the influence of legendary jazz artwork, Tone attained an untouchable West Coast cool. He took hip hop by the hand and guided it into the future. Tone Lōc is a post-modern hustler.

For me, the icing on his first album is the colossal banger 'Funky Cold Medina'. These days showy rappers wear diamonds and drink Cristal and spend thousands to entice women. Why pour your money down the drain? They should be calling up Tone to get the recipe for Funky Cold Medina. You see, the tune is all about a magic love potion guaranteed to give the horn and have people fighting to get in your shorts. Tone doesn't need to drink it (it's made from his essence), but he's telling all listeners to look inside and find their inner pimp juice, that crunk juice that'll make you get up on the dancefloor and grab a girlie. It's a torch song to self-affirmation. That and he gets to rhyme Medina with wiener.

In another classic promo, Lōc gets up to all sorts of havoc with the mystical green elixir. He feeds it to his dog (and has all the dogs coming over to his house, a charming little metaphor), he turns down transvestites (while making you irresistible, sadly a Funky Cold One still gets you fucking wrecked). "Ain't no plans with a man/this is the 80s and Lōc is down with the ladies..." he quips. Tone likes to crack jokes but has to state for the record that he ain't gay - thus establishing a rap archetype. He also has to turn down a marriage proposal - the Medina has backfired! Girls, Lōc doesn't want wedded bliss, he just wants to fuck. Another hip hop staple? Check. So remember, if you're a single 40-something and you're worried you'll die alone, get the Medinas in. Not too much though, or you'll end up pouring it down the drain like Lōc at the end of the video. Clearly Lōc doesn't care about the environment. I'm not mad at the guy. At least it ain't money, right?

Check these pictures - this guy is rocking some kind of portable mixer/turntable device, evidence that Tone was a pioneer in electronics, too. He then defied conventional thought and went one better, adding a fucking fret board! What became of this device and why isn't it on a wall at the Hard Rock cafe? Rumour says a device labelled 'Lōc-SP550' surfaced at an auction in 1996, but quickly disappeared into the hands of a shadowy bidder. It is a mystery as intriguing as that of Lōc's name, forever shrouded in a laid-back mist.

You might say Tone Jōke if you find him laughable, or Tone Crōak because of the frog in his throat, or Tone Brōke because you saw him on Celebrity Fit Club. Mock all you want. He'll be back. Not in some apocalyptic storm cloud of hail and fire, no. One bright summers day, he'll be walking down a street in your neighbourhood...

YOU: Hey, Tone
TONE: Hey, man
YOU: Where you been? When's the new album coming out?

Tone will smile and hand you a record. You'll watch him walk off into a mirage on the horizon. You'll go home, drop the needle to the groove. As you listen, you'll cry a single sepia coloured tear. It will be the best album you've ever heard.

~Landon Garrett

Gravel voiced greats # 3. Tone Lōc

I was about ten years old when I was introduced to Tone Lōc. Whenever I recall that moment, I see comedy legend John Candy pissing in my mind's eye. Wiping away the metaphoric urine and a lone rose-tinted tear, I smile as the scene from Uncle Buck (1989) plays in my head: the touching routine where Buck tries to piss in a kindergarten urinal. The 'Wild Beats' instrumental of Lōc's track 'Wild Thing' lends the moment a sweet comedic bounce and I remember being captivated by the rhythm. A white boy living in rural England, hip hop was alien to me at that point, but a seed was sewn. It could be said my love of hip hop and movies grew from there, fused together in the fire of my heart, the flames extinguished by John Candy's piss to forge a lifelong love of both art-forms.

First, the name. There are conflicting sources as to the origins of Anthony Terrell Smith's monicker. Some say it originated when his peers nicknamed him "Antonio Loco" (Spanish for "crazy Anthony"). Others say the word "Lōc" stands for 'Love of Crips', showing his colours in connection to the South Compton Crips, an L.A. street gang. Personally I like to think Anthony shares my passion for sweet French snacks, 'Lōc' meaning 'Love of Crêpes'.

THE FILMS

Another early personal intro to the man came when he supplied his dirty throat buzz for animated feature FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992). Voice acting was a natural fit for Tone, but he didn't stop there. Great voice + great face = a steady career as a reliable character actor, playing heroes on both sides of the law, laid-back and laconic and wooing movie-going cynics who frown on rap music. On the set of Poetic Justice (1993) Lōc would butt heads (literally) with Tupac Shakur. Pac was stunned (literally) by Lōc's cool verve and a complex 40 minute freestyle about French cuisine. Tupac would have just 3 years left to implement all Lōc had taught him over those few days filming. Before his death in '96, Shakur had dropped four multi-Platinum albums. After his death, Tupac's legend lives on; particles of his ashes reincarnated as 'new' releases, to the platinum joy of record companies the world over. Tone Lōc, like a wise mentor never selfish in spreading knowledge, smiles on Pac's success.

The heat of Tupac's burgeoning fame made Tone want for simpler things, and so it was he showed a laid-back and direct performance alongside Rob Schneider in Surf Ninjas (1993). Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) followed, perhaps Tone's finest role as laid-back cop Emilio. Doubters chuckled when he didn't return in the hit sequel, Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), but were 'flipped the bird' when Tone was hand picked by the great Michael Mann to work on Heat (1995). Tone continues to work in film and television. Huh? You wouldn't have heard of any of them, you only watch shit.

Today rappers have it easy. Record sales translate easily into star-vehicle offers (see Eminem and 50 Cent), glorified biopics about lives before the mic - drunken toasts, cheap blends of fact and much fiction. Back when Lōc was making records it was raw charisma alone that was the golden ticket to the dreamland of the movies. Of course there are others who managed to juggle music and acting successfully, all of them breaking into film after Tone Lōc had gained Hollywood's acceptance.

Check the roll call: Ice-T (credited wrongly by many as the O.G. rapper/actor), LL Cool J (Lackluster Lōc, Cool? Just...), Ice Cube (also producer, writer & director) and Will Smith. On paper, Smith seems to be the rapper that broke the mould, the shining example of how it should be done. He is the highest paid black actor in Hollywood, commanding $20 million a movie plus 20% of the box office. For screaming headless turkey I, Robot (2004) alone he banked $35 mill. Fact is y'all, Lōc don't need the money, because he has the RESPECT. Lōc is the mirror image of Tony Montana. First he had women, then power, then...respect - something I give none of the others on the list.

Tone didn't make IGN's Top 10 Rappers Turned Actors list (though they had the pips to include Mark Wahlberg), but he sure made mine, coming in at positions 1 through 10.

~Landon Garrett

Movie review: Stranger Than Fiction (December, 2006)

You’d be forgiven for thinking that this is another movie based upon a mind-warping script from quirky scribe Charlie Kaufman, the man behind Being John Malkovich (1999) and Adaptation (2002), but it’s not. It’s actually the work of debut scribbler Zak Helm and as such it stands up as fantastic piece of work from a first-time screenwriter.
When Harold wakes one day to hear his life being narrated by a woman with a British accent and a better vocabulary, he quickly realises the perceptions of the people around him and becomes aware of the trivial idiosyncrasies that make up his everyday life. Harold becomes increasingly agitated, until one day he hears that he has set in motion the events that will lead to his death. Crick determines that he must find and stop the narrator before he meets his end.
Treading a similar route to Jim Carrey in The Truman Show (1998), Will Ferrell opts for a restrained approach as hapless IRS man Harold Crick only letting loose once or twice with a trademark frustrated man-child yell. Ferrell’s performance lends his character pathos and sympathy as he strives to convince everyone that he isn’t crazy, although he’s essentially hearing a voice in his head. Maggie Gyllenhaal is excellent as the pissed off cookie bakery owning anarchist undergoing an audit from Ferrell’s milquetoast taxman, becoming an unlikely love interest.
Stranger Than Fiction moves along at a nice, steady pace as Crick tries desperately to find the author of the persistent commentary accompanying his everyday life. Dustin Hoffman provides solid support as the English lecturer helping Harold through his unique dilemma, playing a similar character to the one portrayed in I Heart Huckabee’s (2004).

A feel good romantic comedy, marred only by line graphics that soon grate after excessive use and a pointless turn from Queen Latifah, Stranger Than Fiction is a success, despite a somewhat cosy conclusion. Well-written, well executed, funny and heart warming, Stranger Than Fiction is well worth seeing.
****

Movie review: Casino Royale (November, 2006)

Let’s face facts; the last Bond film was a throwaway affair, bogged down by ropey CGI effects, ridiculous ideas and stupid gadgets (invisible car, anyone?). Fast becoming a franchise bloated with excess, it was inevitable that Bond would have to go back to his roots in order to survive in the 21st century. With Casino Royale, Bond goes back to his roots in more ways than one. Actually based on Ian Fleming’s original novel, Casino Royale reveals how Bond became a 00 agent and as such serves as a reboot for a the franchise in the same way Batman Begins (2005) was a revision after the neon mess that were the previous two movies.
Bond’s birth is an unrelenting baptism of fire as he undergoes immense tests of physical and mental endurance. For the first time in the series, Bond is humanised more than ever. For this, full credit has to go to Daniel Craig, who has truly made the character his own. Any doubters or sceptics will instantly be silenced after witnessing Craig’s performance; his Bond is altogether relentlessly animalistic and cold-hearted yet perceptibly vulnerable: a complicated contradiction that makes Bond less easy to categorise as previous incarnations. As seemingly invincible and ruthless as The Terminator one minute (the runway sequence), exposed and lovelorn (“I have no armour left…You’ve stripped it from me”) the next, you’ll empathise with and root for Bond more than ever.

If you thought Bond suffered in the opening sequence of Die Another Day (2002), then the squirm inducing torture scene will leave you feeling queasy. Craig’s Bond actually convinces as an unfeeling killing machine, his craggy features making him the most unconventional yet, whilst at the same time being the most believable. When he beats the living crap out of a bad guy, there’s no doubt that he could snap him in two with his bare hands. Equally comfortable in a sharp tux playing cards and drinking martinis you’ll forget about the (in retrospect: ridiculous) furore over ‘blond Bond’ and embrace the reality that Daniel Craig is James Bond and he’s here to stay.
Ignore reviews criticising the pivotal card game at the titular casino as protracted. It’s not: it’s exactly as long as it needs to be, although the summarisations from Mathis (Giancarlo Giannini) at certain junctures aren’t needed. What you have is a tense sequence where the stakes are high and the drama is palpable. Mads Mikkelsen menaces as villainous card sharp and eccentric mathematical virtuoso Le Chiffre, his poker tell a sinister bloody tear. Minor gripes like the opening credit sequence (in keeping with the theme, but a bit cheap-looking) and a woefully misjudged accompanying song pail into insignificance after the first explosive, free-running action sequence has played out. And within the first ten minutes you’re hooked and then you realise, new Bond rocks. Still, all the important elements that make Bond, Bond are still all present and correct. There are moments of humour, quick-witted comments, cool cars, stunningly beautiful women (Eva Green and Caterina Murino are outstandingly sexy) and sun-kissed European locations. Therein lies the key to the success of Casino Royale. None of the tradition has been tampered with, it’s still familiar but it’s clearly been influenced by the Bourne movies, adopting a raw, spare, non-glitzy approach.

Casino Royale will take hold of you from the very beginning and won’t let go until the climactic scene, where that immortal line is finally uttered, that theme kicks in and Bond is officially reborn. Bring on the sequel.
****

Review: Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (2006, Lucasarts. PS2, PSP, X-Box, X-Box 360, PC, GameCube, DS, GBA)

A short time ago in a galaxy very, very near… the debacle that was the new Star Wars movies (Revenge of the Sith excepted...just) shattered the faith of a generation of fans and made George Lucas an unpopular (if ludicrously rich) man. But don’t even get us started on the lacklustre licensed games that accompanied said movies. In short, they all stank worse than Jabba’s slimy thong. All except for one: Lego Star Wars (ok, two including the Star Wars: Battlefront games).
Based on the original Star Wars trilogy -otherwise known as THE HOLY TRILOGY- the Lego Star Wars sequel is a real coup for gamers and Star Wars fans alike, a great Star Wars game based on the best loved movies of the saga. As with the previous Lego Star Wars, you play through the key sequences from the movies taking control of virtually any character from the trilogy. Obviously this involves unlocking them all first, but you’ll want to since all the classic characters are here: Luke Skywalker, Boba Fett, Han Solo, Chewbacca and the baddest Sith of all Lord Darth Vader.
Developer Traveller’s Tales have meticulously rebuilt the entire Star Wars universe using millions of lovingly rendered little colourful Lego bricks and those iconic smiley-faced Lego people and for this we should be immensely grateful. Never has something so apparently removed from the all-enveloping darkness of the Star Wars films been so faithful to the look and feel of the saga.
Key to Lego Star Wars II’s appeal is it’s innate sensibility of undiluted fun and simplicity. The controls are so simple that a child can master them, yet the game is challenging enough to test even seasoned gamers. Be warned, this is still a bigger, tougher, game than the previous instalment and there’s a lot more stuff to collect and unlock in this one too. It’s still a bit undemanding for the hardened gamer who’s finished all of Devil May Cry’s difficulty modes, but then to make a game like this an insurmountable challenge is like making a Disney game harder than R-Type.
Casual back seat gamers can still drop in and out for bite size bursts of co-operative play or join in and play through the whole game if they so wish. It’s the perfect game to brighten up a dull day too, packed to the gills with funny little sight gags and slapstick jokes.
If you’ve ever wanted to roll in Luke’s landspeeder or stomp Ewoks in an AT-ST walker then you can .New features include the ability to assume control of vehicles and customise your own bizarre Frankenstein’s monster type freaks from a variety of Lego body parts. Ever fancied playing as Yoda in Princess Leia’s gold bikini with Chewie’s furry limbs? Then you’re a deeply disturbed individual.
More enjoyable than bullseyeing Wamp rats in your T-14, if you don’t end up loving Lego Star Wars II's quirky take on a galaxy far, far away…then you’re probably dead inside. Or you’re a droid, or something. The force is strong in this one etc. Just buy it if you haven't already.
Verdict: 9/10

Gravel voiced greats #2. Gary Busey

Born William Gareth Jacob Busey Sr. in Goose Creek, Texas on 29th June 1944, the talented rough-hewn, blonde actor was a gifted musician who had aspirations for a life in show business. With a visage sculpted by God for the purpose of playing screen villains and characters with indistinct moral agendas it didn’t take long for Busey to hit the big time.
Few actors manage to make an impression as enduring villains in movies. For every truly imposing, nefarious baddie there’s one that doesn’t quite make the grade. Comparing Bond villains Eliot Carver with Ernst Stavros Blofeld for instance is simply no comparison whatsoever. Gary Busey falls into the former category, each one of his movie evildoers a fully fleshed out, note perfect performance. It’s impossible not to recall Busey’s star turns as bad guys in films like Lethal Weapon (1987), Under Siege (1992) and Drop Zone (1994), each one a lesson in screen villainy that will be etched into your brain forever once you’ve been fortunate enough to witness them. That shark-toothed grin, a subtle, ambiguous glint in the eye suggesting higher, more complex Machiavellian machinations: Busey brings extra dimensions to potentially 2-dimensional characters. His characters are 5D. Mr. Joshua, Commander Krill and Ty Moncrief rank among the greatest movie bad guys of all-time, deserving a place alongside Hans Gruber (Die Hard), John Doe (Se7en), The Joker (Batman) and Ursula (The Little Mermaid) as the best ever to grace the silver screen.

To pigeonhole Busey in bad guy roles however is to see only one of his five sides, for Gary Busey is an acting pentagon where most other actors only manage to be triangles (De Niro) or at best squares (Pacino). Some only manage parallel lines (Brando), unable to form complete shapes. Boasting a stunning career that began with his portrayal of a biker in Angels Hard As They Come (1971), Gary Busey has continued to work consistently over the years garnering numerous supporting roles and bit parts in more than a hundred movies. Wowing critics as Buddy Holly in the imaginatively The Buddy Holly Story (1978) Busey won plaudits and an Oscar nomination for his performance. His subsequent career glossed over this minor achievement as he went on to achieve mega stardom in a plethora of fantastic, popular movies such as Steel Sharks (1996), Hot Boyz (1999) and G-Men From Hell (2000). Criminally, few of these roles have been leads as shortsighted studio execs fail to see talent when it’s right up in their faces. Gary Busey is Hollywood’s greatest nearly man, deserving of so much more. Hearing his trademark gravel-voice is to hear the voice of a god, a sure vocal assertion, like the sound of gargled razor blades belying the mixed intentions of his character. In contrast, Busey’s good guys radiate confidence, reliability, toughness and an underlying vain of selfless heroism: men who will put their lives on the line to save the day. On the flipside, Busey’s bad guys exude playful menace, a steely, determined drive to achieve malicious goals in addition to an all too chilling suggestion of other psychotic, sadistic traits.

A salute then, to not only a great actor, but also a great man and above all an under appreciated hero of modern cinema. An unstable nitro-glycerine-plutonium smart bomb of unpredictable brilliance, Gary Busey, now in his twilight years remains an enigma. A man who may still be destined for far greater things, Busey is set to wow again in a number of films now in post-production. For now, check out his voice in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories as he reprises the role of one-armed Phil Cassidy on PSP. Then watch this space and listen out for more of those gravelly tones in the near future. You won’t want to miss out: trust us. He'll be back smoking on a fat stogie, ready to eat Steven Seagal's face.

Review: Canis Canem Edit (2006, Rockstar. PS2)

School days, eh? Weren’t they great? No? School for most is a socially awkward time, pupils divided into cliques, having to watch your back for phlegm-laden projectiles. No? Just us then.
Canis Canem Edit (formerly Bully, before ignorant Daily Mail-reading controversy-mongers got their way - don't get us started) manages to encapsulate the school experience perfectly, having to adhere to a strict routine, encountering morally dubious teachers: all the elements are present and correct. What’s most beautiful about the game is the hazy, nostalgic Breakfast Club-era vibe that it exudes. Don’t expect to bump into knife wielding scholarly pariahs on Bullworth Academy’s grounds, this is school like it used to be, or how we remember it at least. Comments that the game is ' a Columbine simulator' are way off the mark and the refusal of some stores to stock the game are ludicrous.
Starting out, you’re railroaded through the opening missions and lessons in order to progress. It’s only when the front gates swing open that you discover the town of Bullworth and the wealth of new challenges and possibilities on offer. Paper rounds, BMX races, boxing, even a carnival complete with sideshows and rides can be visited for the very reasonable admission fee of just $1. Bullworth is a fully realised community, taking in abandoned warehouses, docks, railways, beaches, slums, posh housing estates and trailer parks.

Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap!
Playing as Jimmy Hopkins - a troubled kid, abandoned by his gold-digging mother – you decide to take the school back from the jocks and bullies ruling the playground preying on the weak and helpless. At your disposal is a fluid and accessible combat system where you can effortlessly take on multiple assailants and come out looking tough...sorry, I meant well 'ard. It’s a vast improvement on the brawling system adopted by the Grand Theft Auto series and even surpasses the combat in The Warriors. Jimmy can pick up any weapons lying around too, such as baseball bats, planks and dustbin lids. Your inventory also gives you access to a slingshot (obviously), eggs, stink bombs, firecrackers and some quirky, cool surprises that we’ll not ruin for you here. As Jimmy you can wreak havoc all over the school and surrounding town. However, vandalism, bullying and harassment come with severe penalties if you happen to get caught by an authority figure. Canis Canem Edit is undoubtedly the most enjoyable game the Shed has played this year by far, the sheer variety of missions and side quests on offer mean that you’re never short of things to do. Bullworth’s world is one that conveys a firm feeling of involvement, your actions affecting the relationships between the school hierarchy and social strata. Ultimately, the objective is to acquire 100% popularity among all of your peers, but to achieve this often involves putting a rival group’s nose out of joint. Factor in serial meddler and nemesis Gary Smith and things get very complicated, very quickly. Despite this you’ll always manage to effortlessly overcome your rivals and any offending obstacles because Canis Canem Edit is a bit on the easy side. Thankfully there’s plenty of game to play through meaning that you won’t be finishing it in a hurry. Once again, Rockstar have passed with flying colours, delivering a game that is both fun and involving, harking back to those rose-tinted, bygone school days of yore. So, a big tick and a smiley face then. Well done.
Verdict: 9/10

Post-script: A rant. Once again myopic morons have been up in arms again over the latest controversial scapegoat: the game formerly known as Bully. Have they even played it? If they had they'd know that it's not nearly as violent as normal, everyday school life. There's no knife crime, no shooting fellow pupils (One narrow-minded dumbass has been quoted saying the game is a 'Columbine simulator'). So, this rant goes out to all the foamy mouthed, buttoned down, always morally outraged Daily Mail sect who would ban anything even remotely shocking if they could. The Shed doesn't like you.

Movie review: The Departed (October, 2006)

Based upon 2002's Hong Kong crime saga Infernal Affairs, The Departed takes the original's basic premise and weaves an intricate police story set in Boston. Featuring an outstanding, stellar ensemble cast means Scorsese's movie packs a huge dramatic punch. Jack Nicholson is the movie's lynch pin, eating up the scenery whenever he's on-screen, his character Frank Costello a ruthless, twisted and powerful presence. That he doesn't quite steal the movie is testament to the entire cast's strength. Leonardo DiCaprio is incredible as Billy Costigan, a cop forced to work undercover within Frank's clique, he brings a hard edge to the character that is thoroughly convincing. Also worthy of note is Mark Wahlberg's acerbic Sergeant, a foul mouthed, intimidating bastard who'll never let a chance to relentlessly prod and verbally harass his colleagues pass by. Matt Damon, Martin Sheen, Ray Winstone, Alec Baldwin and Vera Farmiga all deserve to be mentioned as there isn't a weak link amongst the players, every performance pitch perfect. Kicking off with a prologue typical of Goodfellas (1990), with it's Rolling Stones soundtrack, the movie drags you in from the off and doesn't let go. It's the most engrossing Scorsese picture since Casino (1995) and also the director's best in a long time. Simply put, this is a Scorsese film in every sense. The violence is sudden and shocking, bloody and graphic. Boston is brought to life in gritty detail, a looming urban backdrop to the twisty-turny plot.
Anyone familiar with the original will think they know what to expect, but will be pleasantly surprised to learn that The Departed is no mere lazy retread. Arguably, Scorsese's movie actually manages to outstrip the original in terms of emotional intensity. The character's all reach a peak of emotional turmoil, events moving at such a pace, action escalating towards its conclusion that it leaves you hanging from the edge of your seat. What it does lack however is the character dichotomy that exists in Andrew Lau's Infernal Affairs. Lau's film is more thoughtful and steadily paced where Scorsese's is fast, punchy and explosive. However, both films deserve to be seen and judged on their own individual merits.
So, go see The Departed and if you haven't seen Infernal Affairs see that too. Both films are indispensable and the bottom line is that The Departed is Scorsese's best since Casino, hands down.
*****

The Vinnie Jones Brand

DISCLAIMER: Despite negative opinions expressed in the following article the author is a big comics fan. I'm very pleased to see comic adaptations getting proper budgets - it takes cash to make superheroes look convincing on film and allows artists in the movie biz to really go to town. Ok, many are not successful critically or with the fans but compared to the two Spidey joints from the 70s or the 1991 Captain America movie, they're fucking masterworks.

Still, cinematic shit stains become rife when so many films are churned out by directors and studios that care not for integrity or detail. I could devote a whole website to these criminals. For every Spider-Man there's a Fantastic Four, for every Sin City there's another dirty Alan Moore adap. While the X-Men movies are watchable in a non-committal, large-popcorn-large-drink kind of way, they're also pretty unmemorable. "But how about that great scene with the...nah, it's gone. Sorry."

If there's one thing I hate more than a shitty comic book adaptation its Vinnie Jones in a shitty comic book adaptation. It's a tragic fact that the VJ brand is now forever associated with X-Men history and the character Juggernaut. I haven't seen the film (I fear it) but The Shed tells me Vinnie injects the character with real English charm, spouting lines like "I need a piss!" and "I'M THE JAGG-A-NOWT!" Superhuman strength meets Mockney swagger, just as I'd always hoped. He must be reaching deep into the mysterious Brando-ether to pull out class like that. It's voodoo chemistry, part of a career series of acting lessons in which screen characters are distilled and reduced to being simply Vinnie Jones.

I can imagine the director saying "Ok Vin, in this scene you're feeling some major anguish, so I want you to wrap that sadness in a cloak of hot rage yeah?" Vinnie nodding, "Yeah...yeah...uh-huh" and then just doing what the fuck he wants when the cameras start rolling. But it's totally cool yeah, he's a friendly lad and all the crew like him. Likeability seems to be his appeal. I don't like him.

Looking back I prefer 'The Axe' in his Bacardi ads. He looks more impressive spinning in slow motion and wasting litres of alcohol than he ever could dressed as some gladiator clown. He looks like a bouncer 'really letting go' at a Halloween bash. Dude has been in 30 films in 8 years! That is insane. I thought he'd fade away nicely into early retirement, remembered for violence on the football pitch and squeezing a ball bag, but it looks like his square meaty head is here to stay.

Jone's Swordfish (2001) co-star Don Cheadle had this to say:
"Vinnie Jones was like, 'Come out to England, mate...' I was like, 'Not with you!' I like Vinnie Jones, but he'd probably take me to some spots I probably don't want to go." Yeah, like to a cinema to watch Swordfish...


Whilst I'm riding my high horse, here are some other shit movie comic punks: Chris O'Donnell as Robin. Just check the pictures for a taste of his uncut evil. What's he screaming at? "Hey photo-guy, aaaargh!" Who's he pointing at? "Don't laugh at my mask!"

Here's another, Jeep Swenson as Bane. He looks like the stock gimp in some bad 70s S&M flick. His arms look like they're made of papier-mâché. Nice shopping trolley, pal. (I haven't seen Batman & Robin either, I find prejudgement too enjoyable).


Landon Garrett for The Shed

Gravel voice greats # 1. Harvey Fierstein

'An actor's most valuable asset is his voice', a great actor with a great voice once said. More than familiar tics, a well-travelled face or the ability to undergo a complete 'method' transformation, an actor's voice is what marks him apart. A naturally piss whiny squeak of a voice cannot be disguised or forgiven. A true thesp must naturally project a distinct and prominent tone. Humphrey Bogart. Toshiro Mifune. James Earl Jones. Brian Cox. Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is no shiny happy coincidence they are some of the best actors to ever walk the earth (and indeed other planets in Jone's case, as voice of Darth Vader). And yet it's a sad mystery that most would forget to include another name on their list of personal faves: Harvey Fierstein.

Best known for his three self-penned plays The Torch Song Trilogy (1982-85) and the subsequent movie of the story in 1988, the works combined Harvey's talents for writing and acting and went on to become classics in gay theatre/cinema. Pooling his experiences as a stand-up, drag queen and columnist on gay issues, Harvey produced a piece of awarded and recognized work. Whatever. It's really all about Harvey's voice. THAT is the man's great talent, it's all you need to know. His 'gruff yet soft' voice is the real classic here.

This author first became aware of Harvey's work in the movie Independence Day (1996). Misunderstood by high brow pundits, the sci-fi extravaganza is nonetheless much-loved by small children and has since proved it's critical worth by generating $811,200,000 in worldwide box office (14th biggest worldwide gross of all time). Harvey's role as Marty Gilbert, the flamboyantly camp boss of Jeff Goldblum's journalist character was a real eye opener. Effortlessly weaving his acting style with the emotional landscape of the story, Fierstein danced beautifully between each scene. Light comedy early on, gritty drama with the rising panic of the alien invasion and finally a subtly played death as Marty is crushed by a falling car. It was a role that allowed Fierstein free reign with his voice, and rising to meet the heights of big 'event' cinema he soared with elegance and poise. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

It was around the time of ID4 that Harvey enjoyed some spotlight shine, working on Elmo Saves Christmas (1996), Kull The Conqueror (1997) (with the almighty Kevin Sorbo) and voicing one of Disney's most underrated pictures, Mulan (1998). Sadly for Harvey and the world it was a fragile level of success, much like Scott of the Antarctic - beaten in his pioneering race to reach the south pole, dying tragically on his return journey to base camp. All the respect but none of the glory, Harvey fell through the ice of Hollywood over-exposure and has struggled treading cold dark water for nearly a decade since.

We can only hope that a rumored 'Untitled Harvey Fierstein Project' TV series will go on to enjoy the same attention as recent hot shows like The Sopranos. Personally I hope it will feature Harvey dancing and singing (he is an accomplished singer) and reading monologues in an all white room, so we can really focus on his unique talent. Just Harvey, not even a chair or a microphone to distract the viewer; not even clothes, let the world see Harvey's raw naked ability. Each episode we will get a little more of the routine until finally, when watched in it's 24 hour entirety, viewers will burst into tears and know what they've missed all these years. They will know the name of Harvey Forbes Fierstein.

Landon Garrett for Heterogeneous Shed 2006

The 10 greatest TV sitcoms of all time.

It's all in the writing...the 10 greatest sitcoms of all time might be mostly American, but it's for no other reason than the stark fact: they're funny. There's no other consideration here...if it's humorous, it's in the top 10. Simple.
10: Scrubs- This hospital set US sitcom is an inoffensive, light-hearted comedy that possesses its own unique brand of surreal humour. Following JD (Zach Braff) through his workaday life at Sacred Heart, the action is fast-paced, cutting between reality and JD's random fantasies. Scrubs is unique in its ability to surprise you with spikes of pathos among the laughs managing to be both touching and heartwarming. While Scrubs might not be for some people, they're missing out on a warm, funny sitcom. Just what the doctor ordered. Ha!
9: Friends- For some, it's cool not to like Friends. Maybe due to its enormous mainstream popularity, Friends doesn't seem to appeal to the sitcom cynic. What they fail to realise is that Friends was a sharp, often witty show, well-written and perfectly performed by a strong cast. Friends' biggest crime is giving birth to a torrent of sub-par xeroxes such as Will and Grace and such like, but when Friends is also guilty of being consistently funny, who cares? After all they'll always be there for you.
8: Frasier- The Cheers spin-off that actually managed to transcend its source material, Frasier is another brilliantly well written US sitcom that does the light farce schtick disturbingly well. Sure, its a bit far-fetched, even a bit daft at times, but it's also sophisticated and effortlessly charming and witty in equal measure. It's impossible not to relate to the proud radio shrink, his luck in life and love is as unpredictable and unfortunate as anyones...if you're a single male that is...ahem.
7: The Young Ones- Anarchic...there that's that word out of the way. It's the single word synonomous with The Young Ones because that what it was: the most groundbreaking and anarchic comedy to hit British television during the Thatcherite 80's. The Young Ones was a refreshing change from the dull, predictable sitcoms that plagued the BBC during the 70's (Fawlty Towers excepted) bringing unsubtle, cartoonishly violent, explosive and incredibly random and surreal comedy to audiences, it was like nothing before it. That's why The Young Ones is arguably the most important comedy to ever hit the British TV.
6: Curb Your Enthusiasm- The somewhat farcical misadventures of Seinfeld co-creator Larry David and his hapless manager, Jeff make for the funniest US comedy in years. Shot in a documentary, verite style Curb sucks the viewer into the twisted world of Larry David and invites you to meet all of his celebrity friends who play fantastic caricatures of themselves. There's 1001 reasons why Curb is as brilliantly funny as it is. Firstly, there's the neurotic, socially underdeveloped, tactless and self-loathing Larry David, a walking id who says exactly what he's thinking with little thought as to what the results of his hapless comments might be. Then there's the outlandish, ever-spiralling events which reach a head by the climax of each episode, building to such dangerous levels of farce, that it shouldn't work. That it does work incredibly well, is testament to Curb's brilliance. The fact that the show is primarily improvised and yet still works from minimal scripting just makes the feat even more impressive. A one-of-a-kind.
5: Seinfeld- The show about nothing that went on to become one of the biggest hits of all time, Seinfeld's success came from its awesome creative team, writers and actors alike. The ensemble cast was in place from the very beginning, offering characters in situations that can immediately be related to from the outset. Seinfeld taps into all of life's trivial idiosyncracies, amplifies them and draws comedy from things that we ourselves encounter in everyday life (sometimes). The show's success came as a result of its vivid, memorable characters that are just great fun to watch and the consistently fantastic writing throughout each and every episode. Most sitcoms simply don't come much more perfect than this.
4: Arrested Development- This was a really close call, and on the strength of the third and last season this shouldn't be this high up in the top ten. But then there's just an inexplicable something about Arrested Development that makes it very special. Nevertheless, here's an attempt at an explanation anyway. Following the riches to rags story of the Bluths, AD is host to a mix of the most eccentric and hilarious characters in TV sitcom history. Gob and Tobias are particular stand-outs in a flawless cast of crazies who are forced to adjust to a less frivolous life as the Bluth company faces imminent bankruptcy. Whether it's Tobias' attempts to act or join the Blue Man Group or Gob's overly flamboyant magic acts and stunts, there's always something hilarious and intriguing going on. AD has no boundaries and the plot takes some unexpected turns injecting a modicum of drama into the show. Arrested Development stands as an underrated work of genius that deserved to reach a wider audience and was cancelled by Fox as a result of the show's lack of mainstream popularity. Here's hoping they see sense and commision a fourth season.
3: The Office- This is Spinal Tap had done the mockumentary thing before The Office came along, yet the show is one of the best, most original sitcoms to come out of the UK. The brain-child of Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais who later followed up with the also ace Extras, The Office focuses upon Wernham Hogg paper merchants in Slough, depicting the daily grind of work in a mundane office environment. A cast of endearing, recognisable characters are what makes The Office work so well. We know these characters, anyone who's ever worked for a living does. That the show is so relentlessly funny is down to the absurdity of office boss David Brent and his unending quest to be popular. Brent will go to any lengths to garner approval as a cool "chilled out entertainer" that he invariablyends up making a fool of himself, giving rise to some truly cringeworthy moments. Yet, despite all of Brent's flaws and foibles, we still root for him and he emerges as a likeable, misunderstood buffoon. Then there's that dance...
2: Fawlty Towers- Without a doubt the absolute pinnacle of the British sitcom, no matter what anyone says, Fawlty Towers is timeless, flawlessly written and expertly performed. Anyone else who tells you otherwise is a pea-brained idiot. FT has it all, pitch perfect farce, slapstick, verbal comedy: it's all there, it couldn't be any better than it already is. Heavy on the hyperbole this may be but there's simply no other way to convey the unparallelled brilliance of John Cleese and Connie Booth's creation. In simple terms, no Britcom has come close to eclipsing it: FT is 12 episodes of pure perfection. That's not opinion, that's cold, hard fact.
1: The Simpsons- 18 seasons and counting, The Simpsons is still going strong after 16 years on televisions all over the world. A sublime synergy of writing, voice performances and quality animation has allowed The Simpsons to stay the most consistently funny sitcom for the longest period of time. Sure, recently not every episode's a winner, but even the weak shows beat the hell out of the majority of flaccid sitcoms on TV at the moment. Being an animated show means near infinite possibilities in terms of story, which has contributed to the longevity of the series. Also key to the show's unrivalled success is an expansive cast of brilliantly well-realised characters. Even the peripheral characters have there own place in the show and contribute to the richness of The Simpsons universe. Homer Simpson alone is unarguably the single greatest character in any sitcom ever.
Created by Matt Groening, creator of the underrated and almost as brilliant Futurama, The Simpsons was something truly unique from the very beginning. Starting as a short cartoon on The Tracy Ullman Show it developed beyond its boundaries and the potential was always apparent despite the relatively crude visuals. That it would become the all-conquering behemoth that it is today was maybe unexpected, but no other show is more deserving of it's uber-incredible status. THE GREATEST SITCOM OF ALL TIME.

Review: Tekken: Dark Resurrection (2006, Sony. PSP)

So, Tekken makes its long awaited debut on PSP but is it any good? Well, first things first: a few facts. Tekken: Dark Resurrection is a direct port of the arcade original, which is in itself an update of Tekken 5 but with a few added extras. Two new characters have been added to the already very extensive roster of eccentric brawlers. Lili: a rich kid fighting for her father and Sergei Dragunov, a soldier who fights like a cross between Baek and Bryan Fury. Armor King makes a comeback due to popular demand and controversially every character is now available from the outset, meaning that there's no longer any need to unlock them. This is a weird move since the main impetus for playing through the story mode was to gain extra scrappers. This doesn't really matter though as the story mode is identical to Tekken 5's, which you'll have no desire to go through again if you've already played through it once already. Instead, Tekken: DR boasts a raft of character customisation options as well as loads of new unlockable extras, including new modes such as the dojo, attack mode and the return of Tekken Bowl. The best new addition is the dojo mode which allows you to fight against AI ghosts of Tekken fighters from all over the world. This gives you the opportunity to work your way through the world ranks and gain a clear overall picture of how good a Tekken fighter you really are. Us? We'd rather not say.
The bottom line is that this is Tekken in all its excessive glory, in the palm of your hands for-crying-out-loud!! It plays flawlessly and button-bashers needn't worry as the PSP's face buttons are actually surprisingly robust and able to withstand a good hammering. Despite ever so slightly simplified textures and character models that close-up appear a tad more angular than usual the graphics remain sumptuous as ever. Wireless ad-hoc game sharing and AI ghost downloads join all the usual stuff that you'd expect from a Tekken title squeezed onto a little UMD disc: it's nothing short of miraculous. Our only qualm? It doesn't really innovate or move the series forward in any way, but when you're talking Tekken in handheld form, frankly, we couldn't care less when it's this good. An indispensable title that's an essential purchase for any self-respecting PSP owner.
Verdict: 9/10

PlayStation 3 price cut?

Apparently, Sony have decided to cut the price of the PlayStation 3 for it's US and Japanese release. Whether this will apply to the European launch remains to be seen, but a pre-release price slash would make an already tasty prospect even tastier. And with stiff competition from the Nintendo Wii which will retail at 180 quid, Sony would be wise to cut the projected price of 425 GBP if they want to compete with Ninty's forthcoming wonderbox.
On September 6th, Sony announced that the PS3 will be delayed until March 7th 2007 in Europe, so a price cut would go some way to healing our wounds of disappointment...right Sony? Right??!!!

Coming soon: heterogenous shed's 5 most anticipated games for 2006/2007.

Review: Daxter (Sony, PSP, 2006)

Taking place during the events between Jak and Daxter and Jak II: Renegade, Daxter aims to fill in the blanks of what happened while Jak was left languishing in prison. Anyone who's played any of the three Jak games will feel instantly at home double-jumping around lavish and colourful locations, only this time you take control of the titular ottsel. Daxter finds himself working for a bug zapping business in a Haven City overrun with the vicious sods. With only an electro-swatting thingy your task is to rid Haven of a bug epidemic threatening to take over.
Although this is pretty familiar platforming fare it's executed with such charm and aplomb that you can't help being sucked into Daxter's world. Collecting precursor orbs, gems and upgrades is the order of the day as with previous Jak installments and while this sounds like a tiresome, lazy retread, it's anything but. Playing as Daxter somehow manages to make you feel like you're playing a completely new game, the furry little bugger remains a likeable, genuinely funny character who we felt always deserved his own title.
Along with the usual vehicular tasks thrown into the mix you can now unlock brilliant tongue-in-cheek dream sequence mini-games that reward you with new abilities. Homages to certain fantasy and sci-fi movies is a stroke of genius, riffing on movies like The Matrix and Lord of the Rings is a welcome diversion from dispatching insects.
Daxter has a whole raft of cheats and extras to unlock by collecting precursor orbs, you'll be playing for ages before you complete the game 100%. Visually accomplished, Daxter is up there with the best on the PSP and ranks among the most essential titles currently available for Sony's handheld. A treat from start to finish, you really ought to buy this now.
Verdict: 9/10

Nintendo Wii UK release date and price confirmed!

A release date for Nintendo's highly anticipated but oddly named Wii (pronounced 'wee'...yeah, tee hee) has been confirmed for December 8th in the UK. That's a week after the Japanese launch and three weeks after the US release. Want more good news? It'll only set you back 179.99 GBP. Cheap for a console that could arguably be the most inventive and original thing to happen to gaming in years. Oh, and it comes bundled with a compendium of interactive sports games surprisingly titled Wii Sports (above). The package comprises of tennis, baseball, golf, bowling...games which pretty much involve some kind of arm swinging action . All in all the Wii launch is an exciting prospect that represents great value. We'll be adding a Wii to our Christmas list, which this year we're writing on a toilet roll. We urge you to do the same.

The 10 GREATEST games EVER made...EVER.

1: Resident Evil 4: (Capcom: GameCube/PS2: 2004) A triumphant reinvention of an increasingly indolent formula, Resi 4 was a shotgun blast to the arse of a series on the brink of going stale. Out with the familiar fixed camera angles, the inability to overcome simple obstacles like locked doors (you're a special-ops soldier for God's sake! Kick the damn door down!!!) and hunts for silly little keys. Out with zombies and in with Las Plagas infected freaks and muttering, fanatical tattooed monks, who are worryingly fleet of foot at times. Resi 4's biggest revolution was switching to an ingenious over-the-shoulder viewpoint, which made aiming more intuitive and rewarding. Most important of all the new view allowed you to get closer to the action giving the game a more immediate, intense and immersive feel. Enemies ferociously come right at you now! Thankfully you can shoot them in the legs and slow them down, or why not just pop their melon heads with a well-aimed shotgun shell? Satisfying. To summarize, Resi 4 incorporates every fanboy's wish list of what they ever wanted from a Resi game. Add to this near-infinite depth and replayability and you have a game that is perfect in every conceivable way. For this, Shinji Mikami-san, we salute you sir, for thou hast maddest the Greatest Game of All Time.

2: Streets of Rage II: (SEGA: Sega Mega Drive: 1992) The absolute zenith in 2D scrolling beat 'em ups. Why in the name of mighty Thor Sega haven't bothered to reinvent this game for today's consoles is incomprehensible. The concept is simple. Stroll along the crime riddled streets inflicting fistfuls of painful justice. That is mullering waves of generic punks and other eccentric villains with all manner of weaponry to Yuzo Koshiro's unique soundtrack. Despite a limited set of moves and levels that are the very definition of linear, Streets of Rage II manages to be forever fresh and enjoyable, especially with a friend. (As an excitable 10 year old my friend and I finished this seven times in a row). Today it has a lo-fi charm and along with Capcom's Final Fight, this was the high-water-mark for not only scrolling beat 'em ups, but for 16-bit gaming, full-stop. Play it alongside a modern scrolling beat 'em up and it might not look red hot, but it'll sure as hell play a billion times better. Sure, it's brief too, but its brevity only leaves you wanting more. Too bad Streets of Rage 3 didn't manage to live up to expectations. So Sega, if you're listening, BRING BACK STREETS OF RAGE!!! SOON!! IF NOT SOONER!!!

3: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas: (Rockstar: PS2/X-Box/PC: 2004) An obvious choice we hear you scream, but it's a choice that's made with good reason. No other game encapsulates the concept of sandbox gaming better than GTA:SA. The sheer scale and consistent quality of what is on offer is truly overwhelming, it's like (to use a well-worn cliche) being a kid in a candy shop. Planes, trains, automobiles...oh, and boats, helicopters, jets, bikes: they're all up for grabs. Sniff the screen while you play, can you smell the quality? You should be able to. GTA: SA's subject is handled with such panache that this is the closest a game can get to being an interactive movie. In terms of ambition, Rockstar's greatest opus remains unchallenged by the whole gamut of pretenders and rip-offs buzzing around it's genius like fetid flies. Such a rich gaming world just waiting to be fully explored, GTA:SA is a treasure trove, incorporating virtually every genre it can into its vast repertoire. As a result GTA's replayability factor is infinite and the ability to do pretty much anything just makes real life seem, well, dull.

4: ICO: (Sony: PS2: 2002) Everyone needs a break from killing people and punching faces. Enter ICO, the perfect antidote to wind down with. Beautiful and serene, ICO is the antithesis of all the self-styled 'urban' themed games currently choking the shelves of every game store. Fumito Ueda's classic is a true one-of-a-kind, its sequel Shadow of the Colossus the only game that comes close to eclipsing it. Epic in every sense of the word, ICO is an invigorating experience. Challenging you to go the extra mile every time to protect the ethereal, delicate Yorda from being dragged into the abyss, you'll be hooked, such is the emotional attachment that you develop with the characters. There's simply no other game like it, nothing is as touching or memorable.

5: Super Mario Kart: (Nintendo: SNES: 1992) Colourful and bright, Super Mario Kart is undiluted, addictive gameplay on a 16-bit cartridge. The lacklustre copycats since only illuminate how flawless a gem this game really was and still is. Not even Mario Kart: Double Dash managed to capture the unique brand of fun of the classic original and best. Get friends round too and Mario Kart develops into undoubtedly one of the best multiplayer games ever made. Mario Kart's secret lies in its accessibility. Anyone can play it and enjoy it, even if they do suck...a truly unifying game.

6: Street Fighter II: Turbo: (Capcom: Arcade: 1992) The definitive fighting game, SF II practically invented the one-on-one beat 'em up as we know it. Combos, special moves, eclectic and unusual fighters, Street Fighter II has it all. By the time Street Fighter II: Turbo came along the formula had been refined to its peak. Fighters had either new moves or welcome tweaks to familiar ones and the action was now faster (hence turbo, duh) and more fluid making for the ultimate in fighting. No true veteran gamer will have neglected to play SF II in some capacity. Every gamer has a place in there heart for it...for us it defined a golden era in arcade gaming. Back in the day, SF II was a global phenomenon. In a nutshell, no Street Fighter II: no Mortal Kombat, no Tekken, no Dead or Alive, no Virtua Fighter. It's that important.

7: Manhunt: (Rockstar: PS2/X-Box: 2003) For a full review, see below. One of the biggest controversy baiting games in recent years: Manhunt was condemned by Daily Mail readers (aka 'idiots') for its raw and brutal depiction of violence. What they didn't understand is that Manhunt is an incredible game: a dark, twisted urban nightmare with a vein of gallows humour running through it. It's the first game that actually appealed solely to an adult audience, the unflinching violence an integral part of the story. James Earl Cash has been set up and relentlessly manipulated, shoved around like a rat in a cruel maze by a sadistic, omni-present snuff movie director, so he's hardly going to be nice to the stalkers out to butcher him horribly. Manhunt's cleverest feature is the use of the PS2 headset. Brian Cox's performance as the malevolent director, Starkweather constantly hissing down your ear adds to the psychological assault on your senses. Manhunt is a true one-off that must be not just played but experienced...if you've got the spine and the stomach for it. You've been warned.

8: Metal Gear Solid: (Konami: PSone/GameCube (as Twin Snakes)/PC: 1999) Metal Gear Solid was without a doubt the best game ever to grace the original PlayStation and was responsible for inventing the action/stealth genre. Splinter Cell, Syphon Filter and countless other lazy copycats (I don't include SC and SF in that list) all take their cue from MGS. A flawless masterpiece, MGS put creator Hideo Kojima on the map as a renowned gaming auteur. Maligned for its loooong cut scenes, Metal Gear's stories are always twisty-turny, techno-political yarns that have us scratching our scalps red-raw. They always manage to have us hooked somehow despite only a rudimentary grasp of what's going on. It's because we want answers and MGS puts you through the wringer like Lost does on TV every week. Playing through MGS is one of the most memorable gaming experiences that you're ever likely to have, it's brimming with unforgettable, inventive and original moments. Moments of bizarre interaction with game boss Psycho Mantis, cryptic puzzles like a code printed on the actual game box. MGS is pure genius, absorbing, intriguing but most of all utterly enjoyable. It might be short, but you'll probably want to play it through four or five times because once just isn't enough.

9: Final Fantasy VII: (Square: PSone/PC: 1997) Gamers who were never into role-playing games were after playing this. An all-consuming epic, FF VII remains etched into our memory such was its power. When a central character dies halfway through, it was the first time a game had managed to give us a lump in our throat. Play it and Midgar will feel like a second home, you'll remember where everything is and you'll always have your favourite locations. FF VII plays less like an RPG, more like a series of great moments. All 70+ hours of the game are a joy to play, there simply isn't a single weak link amongst the action to mar the experience. You'll be constantly riveted, wanting to explore every nook and cranny of the vast world, breeding Chocobos and collecting magic enhancing materia along the way. Undoubtedly the greatest RPG of all time, FF VII is the only game you'll play for over 70 hours and wonder where the hell all that time went...after all, it does fly when you're having fun.

10: Sonic the Hedgehog 2: (Sega: Mega Drive: 1992) This one was a tough call, but then it was decided that the top 10 wouldn't be right without an appearance from the blue, spiky one. Sonic 2 saw the supersonic hedgehog at the top of his game, graphically it was a marked improvement over its predecessor. Bold, bright and sharper than a cyber razor cut (don't ask). And boy, is it fast. The chemical plant stage sometimes has trouble keeping up with the little blue streak such is the speed of the action. Sonic 2 was also far more streamlined, comprised of quick two act stages, the game progressed at such a pace that there's always something new thrown into the mix whether it be the casino night level or the labyrinthine mystic cave or the teeth bending frustration of the metropolis stage. Sonic 2 stays fresh and varied throughout the entirety of its twenty odd levels. Along with Super Mario World 2D platforming doesn't get much better than this. Classic.

Review: LocoRoco (2006, Sony. PSP)

Bold, colourful, original. LocoRoco is all of these and more, a quirky, simplistic and fiendishly addictive, not to mention moreish game to play. Playing as a malleable ball-shaped globule your task is to navigate through colourful landscapes avoiding marauding mojas whilst eating flowers to grow larger. The idea is to locate and devour all 20 flowers on each level to unlock bonus parts for your largely pointless locoroco house. Finding funny little blue men called mui-muis also award you with more parts for your 'roco house. Acquiring these parts doesn't really make much sense until you unlock the third of three mini-games; the level editor. Here you can build your own custom (albeit very basic) mazes to trade with mates. LocoRoco's striking 2D cartoon visuals disguise it's ability to ensnare you in it's primary coloured talons, refusing to let go. It'll relentlessly eat up your time sucking you into it's crazy world of singing, coloured balls. Ah, the singing. There are six different coloured locorocos, each with their own unique singing style and theme, all funny, all worth playing through the game to hear. Rolling your locoroco through each level only requires the use of the PSP's shoulder buttons to tilt the entire landscape, pressing both simultaneously enables your 'roco to jump and O splits your blob into it's separate parts (each with its own singing voice). Since your locoroco is made up of smaller blobs, depending on the number of flowers munched, it's imperative that you try to stay in one piece. Certain narrow gaps require the separation of the big 'roco into smaller blobs, making them vulnerable to attacks from swooping mojas who are out to eat as many of your component parts as possible. Losing a small, defenceless globule to an evil moja is a genuinely traumatic experience, especially if you've managed to successfully collect a substantial number of flowers. Especially tragic is grabbing all 20 flowers, growing to full size only to have a piece nibbled away right at the exit. Gaaaargh! Bet your ass that you'll be back later to retry the same level to try and gobble up that elusive perfect 20, because LocoRoco is that kind of game. Infinitely replayable as well as consisently fun and more enjoyable than a chocolate bath. Get this and Me and my Katamari for your PSP and fulfil all your ball-shaped puzzling needs.
Verdict: 9/10

Urban Chaos (Eidos. PlayStation 2, X-Box. 2006)

First-person shooters are ten a penny these days, so it takes something pretty special and novel to cut the mustard and grab us by the cajones and hold our attention. Along comes Urban Chaos, the gaming equivalent of Chris Tucker screaming in your face whilst repeatedly kicking you in the plums. It's bold, brash and unrefined, a bit like Jade Goody but far nicer to look at and not nearly as irritating. As far as shooters go, Urban Chaos is as close to a Hollywood action blockbuster as you can get. You are Nick Mason, all-American hero and employee of the month for government force T-Zero. It's your job to help a city in turmoil regain some semblance of normality as rogue gang the Burners have been making a wee bit of a mess lately. So, armed only with a taser and standard-issue pistol it's your job to clean up. Starting with a trusty but generic pistol you quickly gain access to an array of weaponry that would make Charlton Heston cry. By completing bonus emergency missions and earning medals through completing various tasks it's possible to build an arsenal to be reckoned with. Your enemies weapons are up for grabs too which means your cache of killing tools will grow to include circular chainsaws and cleavers. Nice. So far, so seen-it-all-before, right? Wrong. Urban Chaos places an emphasis on co-operating with NPCs as well as performing your own barnd of brain surgery with a gun. Certain situations require the help of a medic or fireman which makes you feel like you're really part of a team. You can issue commands to your colleague and they'll intelligently do as they're told without acting like idiotic bullet sponges. Urban Chaos is a joy to play constantly throwing new challenges your way keeping things fresh and varied. Hostage situations and rescue missions add a little spice to levels and lift this above the usual shooty-based dross. Combat is meaty and the usual staple shotguns and machine pistols on offer are suitably loud and exaggerated. Heads squelch and pop in a satisfying plume of blood and debris when shot at which is always an added bonus. Always. All in all it sounds like George W's favourite game, reveling in it’s own excess. It may be a little over the top, excessively violent and sweary, but don't let that put you off as you'd be denying yourself a real guilty pleasure. Urban Chaos might not be the best FPS available for PS2 and X-Box and the lack of a split-screen co-op or multiplayer does let the side down a bit, yet Urban Chaos manages to be a strangely endearing and infinitely playable game. It might not be exceptionally deep, but if you like the idea of doling out judgment on masked psychopaths with extreme prejudice then Urban Chaos is the game for you. However, the squeamish Mary Whitehouse fans among you would be advised to look elsewhere as Urban Chaos doesn't pull any of its punches.
Verdict: 8/10

Grand Theft Auto IV Hype Factory: now open!

Grand Theft Auto IV is out on PS3 on 19th October 2007.
What we want to see in the new game starts here:
"I'd rather have a smaller, fully realised game world with every interior explorable than an enormous San Andreas with less to do." - Rich 12/08/2006
"Animals! It would be cool if people walked their dogs and you could ride horses. You could run over cats too. Roadkill!" - Tom 12/08/2006
"Heavy weather effects. Storms, snow and that. Random natural disasters would be a nice touch." - Joe 09/08/2006
"You should be able to use public transport, I don't mean steal it actually catch it. It needs hot air baloons and zeppelins too." - Tom 12/08/2006
"I want a female protagonist for once, let's trade testosterone for some oestrogen, yeah? Oh, and skateboards should be in there too. They'd add some opportunity for Tony Hawks style trick bustin'" - Joe 12/08/2006

Super Monkey Ball Deluxe (Sega. 2005).

Once in a while an original idea comes out of nowhere, out of leftfield and we furrow our brows wondering whether it'll be any good. Super Monkey Ball is one of those games, mad like a bag of ferrets but fiendishly addictive and charming in equal measure. Oh, and bloody frustrating to boot. Monkey Ball lures you into a false sense of security right from the off. It's front end screams kid's game with it's colourful sacharrine-coated presentation and twee, irritating music. Start playing through the main game and you'd be forgiven for thinking that Super Monkey Ball is a kid's game. It begins baby-simple, but this is all part of a plan to reel you in and then laugh in your face as the learning curve shoots through the roof. Simple in concept, Monkey Ball is incredibly taxing when you begin to navigate the later levels. You'll curse the little simian sods for rolling too close to the edge after you've flawlessly navigated a labyrinthine gauntlet. The reality remains that it's all your fault but try telling that to the pad you just threw across the room in a fit of uncontrollable, foamy-mouthed rage. Monkey Ball tests your nerves to the limit as well as your sanity. Stick with it though and you'll start to improve. You'll acquire a steady hand and a trance like focus. It's then that you realise Super Monkey Ball is not just a game, it's a training tool for other games too. It's then that the game drags you in kicking and screaming and won't let go. You'll want to beat it, just to prove to yourself that you're good enough, that you won't let a colourful kiddy game best you. Best you it will though. Again and again and again: Monkey Ball can be a test of patience and perseverance at times.
If you feel that you need a breather from the main game modes you'll find the real meat of what Monkey Ball has to offer; the party game modes. Boasting a selection of fun bitesize party games the party mode has the potential to consume yours and your mate's time. You'll lose hours to monkey fighting, monkey target, monkey golf and monkey tennis among others.
Super Monkey Ball is a strikingly original, frustrating, enjoyable game. While this may sound like a contradiction (and it is) it encapsulates the game perfectly. Annoying, but definitely worth it. Honest.
Verdict: 8/10