The Shed's pick of the PS3 launch line-up.

I know we bang on about it a lot here at The Shed, but we really are quite excited about getting our hands on a PS3 this March, even in light of Sony’s announcement regarding watered-down PS2 backwards-compatibility for European consumers. Cheers again, Sony.

Resistance: Fall Of Man (Sony) – Blast ugly scum and take back Britain’s rubble strewn streets, then play this to wind down when you’ve finished. An array of exotic weapons like rifles that shoot through walls and round corners as well as
deadly spike spewing grenades make this an enticing prospect. Can't wait.

Motorstorm (Sony) – Buggies, dirt bikes, big rigs, pick-up trucks and much more face-off against one another in this chaotic motorised mash-up. Thrash around dusty or mud strewn tracks that change in real time as you churn up the surface. Fly-off cliffs (unintentionally), roll, crash and explode realistically (if you’re rubbish). Make obscene gestures towards rivals! What more could you ask for?!

<~ A normal day during the M6 rush hour.

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (UbiSoft) – We’re sick and tired of everyone (high-spec PC owners especially) raving on about this whilst we’re unable to see what all the fuss is about. Well, come March 23rd, we’ll get to find out. Including add-on pack Knights of the Nine as standard; we’re shining our helmets and polishing our broadswords in anticipation. Our lives are more than dull enough to be consumed by such a beautifully polished RPG, which is why we're seriously looking forward to this. (Landon isn't, and would like to state for the record that he hates RPGs of all types).

Virtua Fighter 5 (Sega) – With no Tekken on the launch schedule, perhaps it’s time that The Shed’s allegiance shifted to the fighting purist’s choice. No mere button-masher, Virtua Fighter has always required more than a modicum of panache and actual skill, which is why it scares the bejeesus out of us. Never ones to shy away from a challenge however, The Shed plans to give VF 5 a serious run for its money come launch day (funds pending).


<~ Cirque De Soleil's latest stunt was a disaster.


Ridge Racer 7 (Namco Bandai) – A PlayStation launch wouldn’t be the same without the garish, eye scorching arcade stylings of Ridge powersliding onto Sony’s latest endeavour. This time is no different, with RR7 looking slicker than ever. Visually smooth and crisp, there’s no doubt that the unique arcade-handling will remain intact meaning that Ridge will always be that irresistible, creamy middle ground between Gran Turismo’s stuffy simulation and Burnout’s extreme arse-puckering speed and pyrotechnics. For that, we will always reserve a special place in our gaming heart for Ridge Racer.

PlayStation 3 will be out in 22 days on March 23rd. We can almost taste it.

Movie review: Rocky Balboa (January, 2007)

Celluloid hero, icon and multiple comeback kid Rocky is now a comeback pensioner. Sylvester Stallone might be 60 but he still packs a punch as an aging Balboa.
The sixth and final movie in the long running series sees Rocky still residing in his old neighbourhood, the erstwhile champ now settled down running his own restaurant named Adrian’s, a tribute to his late wife. Yes, Adrian’s gone, leaving Rocky with his whiny son (Milo Ventimiglia) and surly, old Paulie (Burt Young).
Time hasn’t been kind to Rocko and his neighbourhood. The old ice rink where he and Adrian shared precious moments has been demolished, Mickey’s old gym is falling into disrepair, much like the big man himself, the dilapidated buildings are beginning to display the ravages of time. In his advancing years, Balboa has become reflective, internal, melancholy and emotional, which pretty much sums up the movie’s tone during the opening minutes. We’re taken on a tour of the sites of the Stallion’s hometown and shown how they look now: a reminder of the many years that have passed since Rocky V (1990) filled fans and critics alike with venomous bile. Characters from the first film crop up, firmly rooting the movie in the world that Stallone created some 30 years ago. It’s a comfortably familiar film to watch if you’re a fan of the previous films, whereas newcomers may feel somewhat alienated but no less entertained.
More than any of the previous films Rocky Balboa is a human drama first and foremost. A story of a man whose time in the limelight is over, the relationship with his son somewhat strained and distant as they drift further apart, unable to find a common ground. So, it’s well established that the big lug has nothing to lose and a lot to gain when the chance arrives for Rocky to fight one more round.

In a fairly contrived plot device involving a computer generated fantasy face-off between current champ Mason ‘The Line’ Dixon (Antonio Tarver) and Rocky in his prime where Balboa emerges victorious, Rocky gets to thinking. After much cajoling from Paulie and drawn out procrastination, Rocky resolves to climb into the ring one final time. Fire still ‘in the basement’, his heart never in question, the Italian Stallion trains in the same manner as always: montage style! It’s air punching time again as our hero gets into shape in time-honoured fashion to take on Dixon, the reigning champion with a lot to prove. Rocky's final bout doesn't disappoint and is as visceral and fun as any of the boxing choreographed in previous Rocky movies.
Rocky Balboa stands up as a triumphant conclusion to an enduring character’s story even going some way to compensate for the awful fifth instalment. Stallone does justice to his creation, one of the most legendary, inspirational characters ever to be committed to celluloid. “Yo, Adrian! We did it! We did it!” He did do it. We’re just sad it’s all over. At least we’ve got John Rambo to look forward to. Um...
****

Review: Table Tennis (2006, Rockstar San Diego. Xbox 360)

In 1972 Atari released a simple and addictive computer game that gave birth to a new form of home entertainment. Simple, addictive, hypnotic - the game was called Pong. 34 years on, Rockstar bring us a spiritual successor.

Landon has fond ping-pong memories. In school physical education lessons, he used to perfect his penhold grip in an old dimly lit gym, laughing as he tried to aim for his opponent's eyes. He would laugh and sweat and dive and scream. It was a such simple, direct sport. You didn't have to be any good, but it was sweet nice to hit a bendy topspin winner that bounced off the absolute edge of the table, impossible to return. At a glance it may seem strange for a company like Rockstar to make a sports game. No gimmicks, no excess stylisation, no pop culture references - just a straight up sports game. Really doe, it feels right that Rockstar have stepped up and accepted such an esoteric challenge. They've always walked the road less travelled and confounded expectation and - bar a few missteps - they've always delivered a unique gaming experience. Table Tennis is no different. It's quite astonishing how well the intricacies of ping pang qiu have been captured. The bare bones approach to the overall design has clearly allowed the developers to focus on the fundamentals that build a solid sports title: the controls. Everything is kept simple. Each of the face buttons provides a different type of shot - topspin, backspin, left and right. One bumper softens the power of the your shot, the other provides a brief moment of slow motion 'focus' to help make that shot more critical (more on this later). That's it. Simple, right? Yes and no. True to life, the game moves at a high speed and many other subtle factors become key. How best to use your repertoire of shots (to counteract, defend and attack), where best to plant your feet - split second decision and timing are the gamer's weapons. They should give this game to kids to improve their hand-eye coordination reflexes. Table Tennis is an education in how a sports game should play. The physics system is nice and weighty and never unfair. The movement of the players is realistic, everything feels solid and responsive. Functionality over graphics; recent NBA Live titles need to pay attention. So, the controls are intuitive and quick to grasp. So what? Any good sports game should be pick up and play. What marks the great from the good is what lies beneath the surface. Table Tennis has a lot of depth, at least in terms of the actual game play. It'll take a long while to feel like a pro and some of the harder difficulty settings will really test your skills. Cracking the game open is a challenge and provides many hours of game time, giving the single player a chance to improve their skills. Of course for two players the game really comes into it's own and shines like a newly minted pound coin. It shines bright, and Rockstar must have been sufficiently happy with it to not go further with the in-game features.

Bar a basic round-robin multiplayer tournament, there isn't much else to get stuck into. No mini-games or challenges, no create-a-player or career mode. This ultimately is the big letdown. Table Tennis is so good you're left wanting more of it, and sadly there are no secret treats to discover beyond the obvious. The obvious is sufficient, but only just. Seven unlockable characters and some polo shirts for them to wear (FUCK YEAH!) makes up your lot. Is it silly to want to adjust the pimpled rubber of the paddle? Is it crazy to want to customise your favourite character's sneaks? Maybe, but this is what gamers have come to expect from sports titles. Still, the fundamentals are all here. Great looking characters, each distinctive right down to their facial expressions and temperament. More importantly each plays differently, their strengths and weaknesses subtly adding to the dynamics of play. You really have to learn opposing characters playing styles if you're going to defeat them. And you'll need to think on your feet too. The 'focus' shot is a great touch here, allowing you to momentarily slow time to execute a difficult or decisive stroke. Timing your shots well helps to build a focus meter that can be activated at will. When both players are caressing the ball perfectly, the game becomes a hypnotic, orgasmic experience. A subtle techno soundtrack really adds to the atmosphere, building tension for important rallies, the arena lights dimming as each player fights for the win. It becomes very, very addictive, a game you'll dip into again and again until something more sophisticated comes along (yes please, Rockstar).

The best next-gen sports title? This depends on what sport is your chosen bag, but its very hard to fault Rockstar's enthusiastic dedication to recreating the art of takkyu. Certainly, Table Tennis is one of the most addictive sports simulators on 360, despite its lack of ambition. Sports simulator yeah you heard. One that's actually good clean fun. For Landon its become a time travel device, taking him back to that dirty school gym. He uses the beautiful replay system to watch his topspin smash clip the edge of the table in super-liquid-silk-slow-motion, impossible to return. It's a winner.
Hots: 7/10

The Shed salutes the console control pad. All hail!!

For your consideration: the control pad – videogaming’s unsung hero. Evaluated for design and functionality, the pad is not awarded nearly enough tribute in console gaming.
Starting life as a simple analog joystick back in the days of the Atari 5200, the humble console gaming controller has come a long way. Sporting only one button, a sticky, unreliable stick and no pause function: the Atari 5200 joystick was as basic as console controllers get. More than twenty-years on the control pad has steadily evolved, gaining more buttons, triggers, shoulder buttons and more recently rumble functions, motion sensors and wireless capabilities. Yet despite all this, despite all the joy that a control pad allows the player to access, it still isn’t appreciated nearly as much as it deserves. The pad is always the first port of call for any gamer on the receiving end of an unjust in-game death or frustratingly implemented control scheme. The pad is always the thing to receive the raging abuse of the over extended gamer and as such can be subjected to – and this is from first-hand accounts – biting, scratching, stomping and of course, throwing. A good hurl of a game pad is enough to exorcise any irate gamer’s fury and remains a firm favourite among short-fused players who show no concern for their mistreated peripherals. The sad thing is almost all of us; at one time or another will have been guilty of some form of pad-abuse. Even those who show restraint when stretched to the limit during a particularly trying session, will have button-bashed or mashed at some point during their gaming lives. What we all fail to understand is that the control pad is the enabler; the key to everything the game has to offer. It serves without question and asks nothing in return. That, on occasion we treat it with such malignant disrespect is patently indefensible.

A console’s control pad becomes an extension of the player. Play for long enough with one controller and every other pad just feels wrong. Only the feel of the warm moulded plastic of your own controller feels truly right. Like a samurai’s sword, or a cowboy’s gun: a gamer’s pad is his weapon and nothing else will do. Perhaps that’s why Sony is so scared to redesign their iconic PlayStation controller, especially when their boomerang-shaped PS3 prototype pad was met with howls of derision.
With the next-generation of gaming, the pad is breaking free. Of particular note is Nintendo’s Wii-mote - an exceptionally ingenious game controller. Now, more than ever the controller is taking centre stage as the source of innovation. Throwing a pad will no longer be an easy solution to an ill-advised anger episode, but a cardinal sin, frowned upon by all.
Gatekeeper to fantastical realms, tool for expression: appreciated, but not nearly as much as it deserves: the control pad is gaming’s unsung hero and warrants recognition as such. Without them, that incredible gaming miracle machine underneath your television can serve only as an elaborate and expensive paperweight.

World Exclusive Review! Gears Of War (2006, Epic. Xbox 360)

In the second of The Shed's ongoing series of fashionably late 360 reviews comes Gears Of War, that already much discussed, 3 million plus selling shooter.

^ Take That's second reunion in 2060 saw the group try out a dark new look.

Landon isn't the biggest fan of shooters. Wolfenstein 3D was the the last first-person title he really and truly loved. He danced with Unreal, flirted with Kingpin, but for some reason they've never been his thing. It wasn't until Killzone and Black that his sceptic anti-stance was softened and his rapid-fire love rekindled. With Gears, he's a fan once more.
For one thing, Gears is third-person. In third-person you get to take in your character - and when your character is as loveably rough as Marcus Fenix, that's a big positive. Secondly, the tactical mechanics of Gears are unique. Shooters have used cover systems before, but nothing as intuitive and joyful as this. All you need is one button to get you out of immediate danger. With this button you can dive, roll, sprint low to the ground and lunge for cover against scenery. Walls, pillars, sofas, antique chests of drawers - the lavishly detailed environments are there to be used as well as gawked at. Once stuck to cover you can duck out and shoot, blind-fire, spin to other nearby cover, jump over or push forward to gain ground. It'll take about half an hour to get to grips with and it'll take sustained sessions to master, but soon you'll move like a military bad-ass.
It's this emphasis on tactics and team play that makes Gears so different. The campaign can be battled through alone or split-screen with a mate (playing as Dom, Marcus' bestest pal). In addition you'll be backed up by other CPU soldiers - these guys aren't fools, occasionally they might even save your ass, which is much needed when you're up against intelligent enemies. But if you're playing through with a friend, they'll be the team member you really rely on. Locust will flank you, rush you and flush you out into the open. Communication becomes key to progression. Who will take out the sniper? Who will push ahead for a pre-emptive close up assault? Shit, it's even fun to argue over who gets the next grenade pickup.
Ever since Landon first played a computer game, he's always seen games as a social experience. Ultimately, games will always be more rewarding with two players working side by side to best the bad guys. Streets Of Rage, Two Crude Dudes, Probotector. It's been a long, long wait for the next great co-op adventure. It's here.
The campaign mode is immersive and whilst the plot is light in terms of any concrete details, under the surface action the story has some weight to it, at least enough to keep things steaming from one local to the next. And it's the level design that is perhaps the most brilliant aspect of Gears. Varied, intricate and never less than breathtaking to look at. You'll shoot your way through bombed-out streets, dark gothic buildings, factories, caves, gardens, mansions...there's even a section that takes place on a mine cart. Amazingly, it never feels like the art designers are throwing an ornate kitchen sink at your head. It's always in service of the story or to heighten the action - the war torn planet of Sera is realistic, tactile - the years of its history convincing. Gears is far from a no-brainer, either. Certain levels bring a horror element to the table, requiring you to tread carefully and observe your surroundings or risk a sudden death. It's this varied pace that makes the fire-fights so exhilarating when they arrive, Locust Horde screaming.


Any good shooter needs to bring the heavy artillery and Gears delivers, but it's refreshing to see intelligent design here too. It isn't one of these mushroom cloud laying muthafuckers where guns are over abundant, the player as God raining down the pain. Only being able to carry a simple arsenal, Gears players quickly become astute at selecting what's best for the given situation. Every weapon has its uses too, even ones that seem unwieldy at first can become life savers when dishing the hurt to certain nasties. 'Hardcore' and 'Insane' modes will last you a long while and will serve to sharpen your skills for multiplayer. With it's emphasis on teamwork, it's no surprise Gears has overtaken Halo 2 as the online favourite. Although Landon died within a minute of entering a match, he had to chuckle at himself getting split in two with a chainsaw. It's painful fun and another excuse to get together with more of your friends online, and perhaps frag some new ones too. Gears Of War is the new Myspace, yah yah.

Gears Of War is rightly the 360 poster boy because it has given the console something no other next-gen machine can yet lay claim to - a bona-fide, across the board landmark game. It's worth buying the damn console for. It's a title every gamer needs to play. It's the benchmark for what a killer app can achieve. Gears has entered the gaming pantheon and Epic are the extra kings of the gaming community right now. And yet, Landon wants to be honest with you - he can't stand to even look at the case anymore. He's decided to trade Gears in. He's going to trade it for the collector's version in the shiny black tin. He wants the artwork, he wants his little piece of history. Call him sad. Call him a geek. He wants that fucking tin.
ShedLove: 10/10

Manhunt 2 confirmed for PS2, PSP and Wii.

A sequel to Rockstar's controversy magnet and one of The Shed's all-time favourites Manhunt has recently been announced. A follow-up is a pleasant and welcome surprise given the furore surrounding the original game's release. That it will be released on current-gen hardware is a strange move as we expected Manhunt 2 to be next-gen. Frankly though, who cares? This is Manhunt so we'll play it on a NES or Master System if we have to. The disturbing trailer on the official website at www.rockstargames.com/manhunt2/splash/ hints at a darker (!?) game featuring a protagonist who may or may not be an escaped mental patient named Daniel Lamb who butchered his own family (our speculative guess). The Wii version is rumoured to feature motion sensor activated kills, so players can use their Wii-mote to strangle or slaughter victims. Just make sure you remain restrained and don't club your family to death with it. We can hear the anguished cries of outrage from the Daily Mail already.

Look forward to having brutal, bloody nightmares all over again when Manhunt 2 is released this May. Can't. Wait.

Review: Lumines II (bvg, PSP, 2006)

It's always the case that the most compulsively playable games are usually the simplest and most accessible. Lumines II is such a game, following in the footsteps of the puzzling greats, Columns, Bust-A-Move, Puyo Puyo and of course Tetris. Like all great puzzlers, Lumines II is deceptively straightforward. Simply combine 4x4 coloured blocks into sets of four or more to clear them from the grid. Easy. However, there's more to this simplistic premise than meets the eye and it's not long before you're racking up massive combos of screen-clearing explosions.

Consisting of several different game modes including challenge mode, time attack, puzzle and mission mode, you're never short of things to do. Challenge is a beat-the-high-score game where you unlock new tracks and skins as the blocks fall quicker and the action becomes increasingly frantic. When the music videos from the likes of The Black Eyed Peas, Beck and The Chemical Brothers kick in, the on-screen action becomes pretty hard to follow and can cause some rather nasty headaches as you try to focus on blocks whilst Will I Am jumps around in the background.

Lumines' additional modes offer some bite-size puzzles, tailor-made for quick play during a bus or train journey. Whether it's forming gradually more complicated shapes from blocks or clearing a certain configuration within a set of constraints, Lumines II constantly offers up a variety of fun and addictive challenges. Minutes quickly become hours as your eyes fuse to the screen, arrested by the riot of lights and colour. Expect some haunting, lucid block-filled dreams to invade sleep after extended Lumines II sessions; the game will etch its explosive pallette onto your retinas and won't go away. This sounds like a bad thing, but it's not. Lumines II is a transcendent puzzling experience, perfect for shutting yourself off from the rest of the world, or just the weirdoes on the number 44 bus home.

Lumines II is yet another essential game for the PSP, and serves as a reminder that perhaps it's time we started buying, playing and reviewing some crap games for a change.

Verdict: 9/10

Movie Review: The Fountain (January, 2007)

Plagued by recasting and budget cuts, no one could say that The Fountain’s journey to movie screens was an easy one. After leads Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett had to drop out and Warner Bros. pulled a portion of the funding it looked like Darren Aronofsky’s labour of love would be caught in limbo for a long time. The movie’s budget was reduced from $75 million to $35 million, forcing Aronofsky to cut a sprawling opening battle sequence. None of these obstacles have managed to have an effect on the end result. A rich, arresting movie, both beautiful and beguiling, The Fountain illustrates exactly why Aronofsky is still a director to watch, despite a seven-year absence after Requiem For A Dream (2000).
Firstly, credit must go to Hugh Jackman, who turns in a performance so committed and passionate that it’s virtually impossible to imagine Pitt in the role. Playing a triplet role as Tomas, Tommy and Tom Creo, spanning three different time periods, Jackman nails all three roles with gusto.

The Fountain is at its core a simple love story. In 16th century Spain, Conquistador Tomas sets out to locate the fabled Tree of Life to save Queen Isabella (Rachel Weisz) from the Inquisition. It’s during the present day that the bulk of the story unravels as medical research scientist Tom Creo strives to formulate a cure for his dying wife Izzi (Weisz, again) who has an inoperable brain tumour. It’s this emotional centre that drives the film, Jackman and Weisz providing powerful performances that make the central conceit of finding a treatment all the more heart wrenching. As Creo states: “Death is a disease…and there’s a cure.”

Floating through space in a bubble, surrounded by creamy, amber-gold nebula, Tommy appears to be the protector of the Tree of Life. Plagued by visions of Izzi and Isabella, it’s this strand of the story, which proves to be the most perplexing and ties the three threads together. Is he Tom Creo in the future: a product of the Tree of Life’s immortality-giving elixir? Perpetual whispers of “Finish it” drive Tommy mad and parallels between the hairs on the living bark of the tree echo the hairs on Izzi’s neck. That Tom Creo and Tommy are the same person seems to be the most likely rationalisation, but then The Fountain isn’t a film to be analysed and picked apart. Watch it for a unique experience: an epic journey, rather than expecting clear answers and explanations and you’ll get more out of The Fountain. Really, the only other movie that even resembles it for ideas, scope and sheer imagination is Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey and credit must go to Total Film who got there first in labelling it 2001 for a new generation.
An intelligent, challenging movie, The Fountain deserves multiple viewings. It can be as simple or as complicated as you want it to be. You can analyse it all you want, try and decipher it’s meaning and unearth it’s elusive secrets, but at the end of the day The Fountain’s message is clear. Live life for the moment, pure and simple.
****

The Shed @ The Album Chart Show

Monday 29th January saw The Shed at the Album Chart Show as Guest VIPs. We thought it would be a great opportunity to help fulfil the musical element of this blog whilst allowing us to post some nice, blurry photos of the bands (taken by Yours Truly). We got to applaud, scream and cheer at nothing while the cameras flew around, creating some lovely kinetic aerial shots. When the bands came on it was strictly business. Fallout Boy opened with their latest single, This Ain't A Scene, followed by another track from their forthcoming album. They then strolled off quickly, without a single word or gesture. Cheers, guys!

Far more animated were The Klaxons who followed after another

20 minutes of sporadic clapping and whooping at the hype guy on stage. Belting out the first single from their debut album Myths Of The Near Future, the band managed to demonstrate why they're possibly one to watch this year and in-yes-the near future.

Next up was Lady Sovereign whose album isn't out over here yet, so the crowd reaction was pretty subdued. Despite this, her performance was pretty good, justifying her recent Stateside signing with Def Jam records.

Rounding off the evening were headliners, The Feeling. Predictably, the performance wasn't overwhelming, but then this was only a recording for a Channel 4 music show, not an all out gig.

Still, the band jumped around the stage like they were enjoying themselves and were the only group to actually engage with the audience.

So, all in all a good night, especially for presenter Joe Mace, who we think might just have the easiest job in the world since we barely saw him for the entirety of the evening. Keep it real, Mace!!
The last in the current series of The Album Chart Show will be on Channel 4, 2pm this Saturday. Look out for us!

About time too. European PS3 launch details confirmed!

Finally, Sony have confirmed the release date and price of the PlayStation 3 in Europe. Shockingly, it's exactly what everyone already knew anyway. March 23rd release date, £425 for the 60Gb premium package with the cheaper 20Gb model a possibility later on. There will be 1 million units shipped, meaning that early pre-orders should be fulfilled (Yes! The Shed's PS3 is officially in the bag!).

Negative buzz surrounding the PS3 around the rest of the world shouldn't harm the hysteria in the UK, since we're largely a nation of PlayStation faithful. It's a shame to hear that the Americans in particular haven't fallen for the PS3 as expected. At the time of writing a range of outlets Stateside still have stock. In Japan, most buyers have been purchasing the console with the sole intention of selling it on at a higher price. We expect a similar thing to happen over here, so expect eBay to be inundated with European PS3's for £1000 or something equally ridiculous.

In the meantime, look forward to seeing a photo of The Shed smugly holding aloft a brand new PS3, soon.

<~ Imsomniac's Resistance: Fall of Man is the first game we'll be playing on PS3. We imagine it will repeat the same success in the UK and Europe as it did in America. It was the best-selling launch title by quite a margin shifting more than 71,000 units and garnered plenty of gleaming reviews.

Our favourite movies: #1: Rocky III (1982)

A Fighter. A Lover. A Legend. The Greatest Challenge. The tagline says it all.

To celebrate the release of Rocky Balboa, we decided to launch a series devoted to our favourite films starting with Rocky III. If you haven't seen the film, stop reading now, unless you want to ruin it.

Arguably the most popcorn fun instalment of the Rocky franchise, the third film sees Rocky at the height of his fame and fortune riding high at the top of his game. Finding time for charity events, riding a tasty bike, driving a tasty car...life is good for the Italian Stallion. However, it's clear that something's bound to go awry for Rock and it does as a big Mr. T shaped obstacle arrives in the form of Clubber Lang. As Rocky's old trainer Mickey drops the bombshell that he's been protecting the Italian Stallion by arranging easy bouts, it's up to the big lug to prove his self-worth by defeating the vicious Clubber. Thing is, Rock doesn't appreciate the drive and ambition of the challenger. He trains in a noisy, disco pantomime of a gym, revelling in the 80's excess of his success. Meanwhile, Clubber trains hard, grunting "oouungh!!" a lot, while Rocky signs autographs and generally ponces about.
An embarassing first confrontation sees Rocky underestimating his opponent and eating canvas in just 3 rounds. Slow, clumsy, doughy, crap...Rocky's got a lot of work to do: we need a montage.

First, the Stallion has a few demons to confront. For the first time he's afraid, filled with self-doubt and without Mickey, who kicks the (spit) bucket, he enlists the help of former rival Apollo Creed. Rocky learns how to move faster, more fluidly and he begins to look like a real fighter, not a flabby slugger. His hair looks great too, particularly in the slow-mo sequences, immaculately coifed and immovable: it's beautiful. So too is Apollo's perfectly rounded 'fro, complemented wonderfully by an unmistakably 80's crop-top and hot pants. Such sartorial elegance roots Rocky III firmly in it's time, it's an 80's movie and there's absolutely no doubt about it. It's because of these elements that the training sequences endure in the memory, they're gloriously over-the-top, providing some great air-punching moments. Yeah!

When the final bout comes about, you know the outcome already, but the joy comes from watching the Stallion mash up his opponent as he dances around him like a butterfly, stinging like a bee. You'll be chanting 'Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!' without even realising it.

Rocky III is the very definition of a celluloid guilty pleasure: stupid (that fight with Hulk Hogan), short, punchy and predictable but no less life-affirming, moving and dramatic. An unsung masterpiece.

It's time to rebuild The Shed...hetshed is coming!

Heterogeneous Shed will be changing its unwieldy URL for something a bit easier to remember. Wrongly spelled, over-long and a bit crap, heterogenousshed.blogspot.com is just too much of a mouthful. So, for all our regular readers (both of you), we'll be changing our address to www.hetshed.blogspot.com from March. Shorter, sharper, sleeker etc. hetshed is much easier to remember and spell, we think you'll agree.

We'll be keeping our vaguely pretentious name though, so nothing else will change.

Lots of love from The Shed xxx

PS. Keep reading!!

^ We're rebuilding The Shed...we hope you'll prefer hetshed.

Review: Dead Rising (2006, Capcom. X-Box 360)

The first of the next-gen games to really catch our eye, Dead Rising had a lot to live up to. Not just another survival horror, and that is not said lightly, what with the resident evils of the genre (Rule Of Rose, anyone?) it is also one that tackles head on the classic of the genre's movie legacy, Romero's Dawn Of The Dead (1978).

It's the ultimate fictional scenario, zombie lovers placing themselves in the role of the besieged survivor. We ask ourselves how would we stay alive. No saves, no cheats, not even a screen to tell you 'YOU ARE DEAD.' But what we do have in the candy-land of the imagination is a mall full of stores and a licence to steal. And this, above all else, is what makes Dead Rising such an enjoyable and rewarding game.

The level of detail is GTA standard, almost reaching RPG heights in its fascination with distractions. It's very easy to while away hours just fucking about - mixing smoothies, taking photos, trying to coordinate a pair of shades with a nice evening dress; it's all amusing. It's hard to describe how much fun it is to impale a zombie with an excavating drill, watching it rotate and fall apart until all that remains is a meaty torso, spinning lonely. More importantly, the details - even killing sprees - actually perform a function. One of the most enjoyable aspects is your fetishistic quest to level up Frank's abilities. The game's motto is very much harder, better, faster, stronger and the special attacks will serve you well and make you laugh.

The plot line is delivered in the form of episodic 'Cases' which you must be in a certain place at a certain time to activate. Same goes for the 'Scoops', side missions ranging from rescuing survivors to fighting psychopaths - boss characters dug deep into various spots around the mall. The in-game clock spans 72 hours - roughly six hours game-play in which to learn the truth behind the outbreak.

This aspect of the game has received some unfair criticism. With only one save game slot, you must forge ahead if you want to see the story through, often missing out on the many 'Scoops' and hidden treats. The ugly beauty of the setup is that it's really only as rigid as you want it to be. You won't ace the game 100% on your first run, so the device works in that it encourages replay. On top of this there are other game modes to explore and enjoy on completion, adding even further longevity.

Dead Rising is survival horror in perhaps the truest sense of the genre yet. A lone zombie is easily avoided, thousands swarming en masse is a different taste. It's sheer power in numbers that gives the game a unique sense of fear and desperation. You come to cherish the safety of the security room (the game's main hub) and venturing out into the mall corridors and stairwells can be daunting. It's not always easy to get from A to B, ironically for the setting it isn't always a leisurely gaming experience, especially at night when the lights power out and you find yourself dodging the hungry undead in darkness. The time structure and it's realistic restrictions are a real innovation. It serves the atmosphere well and this shot of realism makes a nice sour counterpoint to the games violent sense of humour.

All the B-movie references are here, but it's a well written script with some nice lines of dialogue and composed cut scenes. The graphics are superb and character animation is slick and faces have real personality. With literally hundreds of Zs on screen and no slow down, the bloody carnage never becomes dull. The sound design deserves accolades too, each crushed head and severed limb sounds crisp and varied. The tone perfect muzak and adverts piped through the mall tannoys are just brilliant.

There are few gripes, but the ones that stick can really frustrate. The CCP AI is shockingly bad. Many times survivors will make a beeline straight for a crowd of zombies, attacking them uselessly or getting themselves eaten. Frank's special moves can be difficult to execute under pressure, particularly sanity wearing during boss battles. Still, control issues are a problem with pretty much every 3D beat 'em up on the market (a wider issue that plagues further development of the scrolling beat 'em up), so we can't hate on this aspect too much. Once you're comfortable with the controls you find ways to get around the quibbles.

All in, Dead Rising is pretty much bulletproof. There are no cheap afterthoughts, no rushed features. Capcom have produced another polished affair and entrenched themselves in the seventh phase of console gaming with a truly original title. That Rising provides such promise as a franchise in a generation still so young makes it special. Hype justified.
Verdict: 9/10

Wii kicks ass...sells a shedload. Have Nintendo already won the next-gen war?

Nintendo's Wii has been out now for just over a month and has taken the world by storm selling around 2.85 million units Worldwide and counting. That's 1,100,000 Stateside, 1,115,000 in Japan and 750,000 in Europe and Australia. Pretty impressive. Just to put these figures in perspective, to date PS3 has shipped 1,215,000 units Worldwide and in the space of a year the Microsoft have managed to shift 10.5 million X-Box 360 consoles. Phew.

With the highly anticipated Super Mario Galaxy on its way, units are going to continue to fly off the shelves. It looks as if Nintendo's plan to grab a share of the untapped market of casual and non-gamers intrigued by the innovative Wii-mote and nunchuk controller has worked. And then some. Have Nintendo won the next-gen war that they never wanted to be a part of in the first place? Microsoft head honcho Billy Gatesy has said that he considers Nintendo their closest rival at the moment. Fighting talk from the bespectacled billionaire. We'll just have to wait and see how the console war pans out when PS3 lands on these fair shores. Until then, The Shed officially reserves judgement.

For now, it looks as if the Wii will hold the share of the market due to its wide appeal.

Console exclusive titles mean that if you're a hardcore gamer, getting hold of all three consoles will be the only solution. 2007 looks to be an expensive year for gamers.

Time to check The Shed's coffers...empty again? Crap.

Stoopid game characters: a retrospective.

PlayStation 3 will be making it's way onto UK shores in March promising to usher in a new era of advanced AI with its much vaunted IBM Cell engine and Nvidia RSX 'Reality Synthesizer.'
So, with the next-gen well and truly here, (soon) The Shed thought it was time we looked back at the most annoying game characters as we look forward to waving goodbye to shoddy intelligence and uninspired character design once and for all.

First of all, we have to give a nod to those incidental supporting characters. The ones who are supposedly there to help you through the game. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas' idiotic spinning "Cover me! Cover me!" gang member clones for instance immediately spring to mind. VIPs in numerous shoot 'em ups who you're tasked with escorting through hails of gunfire, who decide a leisurely walking pace is suitable, not even thinking to pick up a gun, run for cover or help, damn it! Characters whose sole purpose is to infuriate and impede at every turn, causing tears, tantrums and broken pads.
It is in the same spirit that we celebrate the 6 most useless and idiotic characters in games...

6. Zan (Streets Of Rage 3, Mega Drive): Not really a useless character because Zan can be quite effective against the minions of Mr. X. He does however resemble a concept design that was destined for the bin but somehow slipped through the net and made it into the finished game. He looks like a bit of a joker, can skate across the screen with sparky, rocket shoes and fights like a freak. Essentially an old man with a hideously augmented robot body, wearing tight trousers, shirt and red shoes. Looks as bad as he sounds: a truly awful character design. Emblematic of a series that had lost its way.

5. Colonel Gregor Hakha (Killzone, PS2): As a playable character, Helghan defector Hakha is pretty cool. He packs all the enemy guns as standard and is able to bybass the Helghast security. As a supporting member of your team however, he is a massive pain in the arse. Taking bullets to his dome he still finds time to dispense repetitive comments on your own skills. "Impressive!" Yeah, thanks Hakha. "Impressive!" Yes, you said that already. "Impressive!"...and so on. "Good shot!" Cheers.

4. Mr. Hayes (King Kong, PS2, X-Box): In the movie, Mr. Hayes comes across as a bit of a badass. The grizzled, tough crew member of the Endeavour, he rocks a tommy gun with the best of them. In the game he's a wailing, pacifistic, ponce who minces around shrieking "Help meeeeeee!" at the slightest sight of danger. It's enough to make you wish the titular anthropomorphic ape would come along and squash him: put him out of his misery and simultaneously put us out of ours. Hayes is a consistent liability making his eventual death a relief rather than a tragedy.

3. Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Mega Drive): We like Tails, how can you not? He's a cutesy fox who had us genuinely choked up when his little biplane was shot down at the end of the Sky Chase stage. He was also a silly little sod, jumping into spike pits, drowning in the drink, losing rings and just generally getting in the way whilst failing to keep up. We forgive him though, even if he can be a bit of a burden.

2. Rose (Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty, PS2): As if new lead character Raiden wasn't annoying enough, his ridiculously high maintenance girlfriend tested even the most angellically patient gamer. Calling you up on your codec every two minutes to babble on about nothing, Rose managed to interrupt key moments and single-handedly ruin your concentration. Not good. We could have really done without a lover's tiff in the middle of a heated gunfight, thanks love.

1. Oddjob and Baron Samedi (GoldenEye, N64): In multiplayer games of N64's most popular first person shooter and all-round bona-fide classic there was one huge taboo. Being Oddjob. The pint-sized little hat-thrower was off-limits for anyone with a shred of decency and honour. He was a small target, especially when crouched, sliding across the ground like an ice skater on one knee, firing off rounds from a golden gun: a golden scav. The tragedy is that the spirit of Oddjob lives on in the TimeSplitters games with characters like Robofish. Criminal.

On the flipside you had Baron Samedi, who if you had any sense at all would avoid like the plague. Why? Because he was tall, bold and may as well have run around with a target painted on his back. His hat counted as a hit too, meaning that GoldenEye's Samedi apparently had a two foot long head under that fetching sartorial statement. Who knew?

Shed Hierarchy, Bandana Blasphemy

This GamesMaster moment is a neat visual metaphor for Rich and Landon's editorial relationship. Upfront and in focus, Rich is the host - jocular and entertaining but also a controlling overlord eager to use his face as a campaign poster. In the shadows lurks Landon, a childish games animal willing to challenge oncomers to a game of EA Hockey, anywhere in space or time.

Landon doesn't wear his bandana in public and Rich prefers a bow tie over a cravat, but the image is fitting. Dominik Diamond and Dave Perry were like two 18th century aristocrat brothers, hating each other to the core but forced to maintain a love facade for the sake of public image. Rich and Landon smile at each other, right hands extended in friendship, left hands concealing pistols behind their backs.

If you're a fan of GamesMaster, try YouTube for a sweet nostalgia hit. If you're a fan of a DD, tune in to his breakfast show on Xfm Scotland or peep his band's Myspace [http://www.myspace.com/itstheams]. All 26 of you Perry fans out there are no doubt frequent hitters at his official website [http://davesworld.gamesanimal.com].

For the casually curious, DP's site is comedy gold and worth checking. Site designer and publicist Dave Perry calls Dave the 'highest profile gamesplayer of all-time' and treats us to reliably one-sided accounts of his gaming victories and bitter tales of industry regret. Cute gothic styling creates an oppressive, low-res atmosphere. Why not enter the deep picture archive and lose yourself amongst all six images? Or perhaps you'd like to make that desktop complete and download some horribly pixel-scarred wallpapers? Special note is deserved of Dave's logo - the Anarchists 'A' - as drawn by Daves fair hand it resembles a disgusting scabbed-over wound.

Moral Kombat: Another two cents...

To quote writer/producer/director Spencer Haplin: “We’re very careful to avoid the whole titillation factor...” Please accept our invitation to dinner at Burger King, Mr. Haplin, so we can laugh directly into your face. Fact is, the trailer seems to sell the film on tabloid style provocation and little else. Does he fancy himself as some kind of David versus the gaming industry Goliath? Halpin rocking his little Fahrenheit 9/11 docu-slingshot, Goliath a fat multi-billionaire with a gun. The Shed is happy for capitalism to crush the little guy this time.

Attorney and anti-games activist Jack Thompson is interviewed in the film, natch. Back in 1990, Jacky said of rap music: "An industry that says a line cannot be drawn will be drawn and quartered.” Hip-hop turned out to be big business on a global scale. Thompson's weekend job as a prophet was shortlived. Capitalism wins 2-Nil.

It's very easy to construct a counter argument against Thompson. Just quote him. Here he takes us to school using that most reliable of teaching aids, Grand Theft Auto: “...when it comes to kids, it has a demonstrable impact on their behavior and the development of the frontal lobes of their brain.” Well, our lobes are fine thank you. I guess it's too bad about Richie's little brother up in the psych ward though. Rich left the room for five minutes to take a small shit and Little Tommy picked up a control pad - without permission - and started spinning round in circles. Wee lad hasn't spoken since. Come to think of it, little Tommykins might not really exist. Landon's memory isn't very reliable. Maybe he played too much Alex Kidd In Miracle World as a boy? Gee, sure had to kill a lot of lil' animals in that game.

OR INSTEAD SIMPLY:

Spencer Halpin fronted $650,000 making Moral Kombat. Spencer Halpin really knows how to party.

Alarmist anti-games film - Coming Soon! Don't all rush at once...

A trailer for a documentary entitled (clever pun this) Moral Kombat has been doing the rounds on YouTube and sparking debate (mostly suitable outrage from gamers) about it's biased content. The trailer is a one-sided montage of gaming's typical controversial violent scapegoats such as Manhunt, Grand Theft Auto and Oddworld (eh?!). That's right Oddworld, the game starring a farting, skinny green guy called Abe. It's this total lack of insight on the subject from the people behind the film that really has us non-plussed about the whole thing, it's an age-old debate that until recently was a hot potato in movie world. It's also a debate that is a complete waste of time since what is being suggested by the fanatics involved is a ratings system to inform the consumer of the type of content featured in the game. Um...don't we already have that? Violent games are already rated by the BBFC and PEGI in the UK and ESRB in the US. If games featuring mature content fall into the hands of children, it's the responsibility of the parents. It's a hackneyed argument and one that will unfortunately run and run. Mercifully, the film is unlikely to receive backing from any studio as they all share a happy and lucrative relationship with videogames.

Yes, we can see what they mean here. It's enough to make you want to kill your family and eat their still-warm carcasses. Chilling.

If after watching the trailer you feel like this is the film you've been waiting for, we suggest you flush your head down the nearest toilet repeatedly, preferably one with a nice fresh floater. We can only hope that the film's maker, one Spencer Halpin will do the same.
See the trailer for yourself and weep at it's sweeping, epic music suggesting apocalyptic foreboding accompanying the tenuous, unfounded rhetoric being spouted by the film's contributors.

Insightful musings include "...what do you think happens when a nine-year old boy sits down and plays a first-person shooter videogame that rewards him for killing cops?" This being a game rated 18 by the BBFC? No game featuring this kind of stuff is made available to kids! See what we mean?! I reckon if the nine-year old in question is mentally sound, he's likely to have fun, nothing more.

Also, it turns out a flight sim was what caused 9/11...they had to bring the infamous terrorist attacks into their polemic to reinforce what is clearly a flimsy argument.

OK, we're clearly not non-plussed at all. On second thoughts don't watch the trailer, it'll only make your blood boil.
We're going out now to let off some steam and cap a few grannies. Obviously.

The Shed's BUZZ 2007

2007 is going to be a hell of a year for games and movies. It’s a great opportunity for us to wheel out the superlatives and see how many times we can write the word exciting in one article. Here’s our pick of the hottest shizzle to look forward to in the exciting coming new year. Exciting…

MOVIES:

80’s sequels a-go-go with Rocky Balboa, Rambo IV and Live Free Or Die Hard. Who knows, maybe Spielberg will get off his arse and make Indy IV after banging on about it for years.
New Harry Potter, Shrek, Bourne and Sin City movies too as well as the first adaptation of Philip Pullman’s incredible fantasy trilogy His Dark Materials: Northern Lights have us wound-up with excited, exciting, excitement.
Below are the big 5 to look out for in 2007:

5. Hot Fuzz (dir. Edgar Wright)
Following up the hugely successful Shaun of the Dead, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost team-up again as a pair of rozzers. One a brash, gung-ho London cop, the other more used to the sedate pace of village policing. Promises to be the funniest film of the year.

4. Transformers (dir. Michael Bay)
Robots In DisguiseTM on the big screen, finally! The Shed was a tad apprehensive to learn that Michael (Explosions! Helicopters! Tangerine sunsets!) Bay has been chosen to direct the movie version of our most cherished of childhood toys, but we’re assured that Bay has a healthy respect for the source material. Knowing Steven Spielberg is on board as producer allows us to sleep a little better at night. We hope this'll be More Than Meets The Eye!TM

3. Grindhouse (dir. Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez)
This is bound to be something very special. Expect a pulpy, stylised, over–the-top, slice of cinematic violence and mayhem from two always-exciting directors. Rose Mc.Gowan as a showgirl with a machine-gun for a leg? Um…ok!

2. The Simpsons Movie (dir. David Silverman)
Mmm…Simpsons Movie. Do we really need to say anything about this? It’s The Simpsons, in movie form. If it's even half the quality of the usual classic episode, but running to feature length, colour us happy. Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie at your local multiplex!! Be excited! Be very, very excited! Prepare to go d’oh-nuts!! Insert your own d’oh pun here!

1. Spider-Man 3 (dir. Sam Raimi)
Web-head goes dark as Raimi brings us the alien costume saga where Spidey purloins said get-up which turns out to be an extraterrestrial symbiote and sends him insane. Joining the Green Goblin, Sandman and Venom is another villain being kept under wraps. We can’t wait to find out and see the biggest movie event of the year. (The Shed wishes it could whore out poster quotes like Paul Ross because that was a great one).

GAMES:

With the European release of PS3 fast approaching and the Nintendo Wii now available (on eBay for about £500) it’s an exciting time for gamers. Sequels, sequels, sequels as usual but exciting sequels nonetheless. Mercenaries 2, Devil May Cry 4, Ridge Racer 7, Final Fantasy XIII and Burnout 5 all prove that sequels are where it’s at in 2007. Here are the games that are getting us hot in our nether regions:

5. Halo 3 (Bungee. X-Box 360)
The most eagerly anticipated and yes, exciting sequel to one of the all time great first-person shooters. Halo 3 joins the illustrious ranks of quality shooters now available for Microsoft’s curvy, off-white PC-in-a-box. Good news is with Landon’s Christmas acquisition of said hardware, The Shed will now feature X-Box 360 reviews! Yes!

4. Army of Two (Electronic Arts. PlayStation 3, X-Box 360)
Nothing beats a good co-op game with a friend. Flashbacks to games like Streets of Rage, Mercs, TimeSplitters and The World of Illusion Starring Mickey and Donald (okay, scratch that last one) conjure up recollections of shouty gaming sessions (Watch my back! You go there! NO! Not there!!) that have made and broken many friendships. And so in this two-man shooter you can shout at either the AI or your mate’s incompetence and recapture those treasured memories…with friendly fire OFF. (No, ON!! etc.)

3. Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (Konami. PlayStation 3)
Hideo Kojima’s uber-sneak em’ up returns with a rapidly aging Solid Snake sporting a beautifully rendered Des Lynam ‘tache. The tagline ‘nowhere to hide’ suggests that MGS 4 will place more of an onus on stealth camouflage out in the open battlefield rather than the traditional hiding behind crates that we’re used to. PS3’s power will also mean that scenery will most likely be fully destructible, meaning that the sturdy brick wall you were eyeing up as a safe haven can be reduced to smouldering fragments in the blink of a cybernetic eye. Looks like the odds will be stacked against Snake even more than usual as plagues of chilling biomechanical bipedal tanks take over. We’re scared…and excited.

2. Assassin’s Creed (Ubisoft. PlayStation 3, X-Box 360)
It’s Prince of Persia, but not as we know it. You play as Altair, a lithe, nimble assassin (like, duh) who is a member of a shady guild during the time of the Crusades. What really has us wanting this game is the promise of lateral thinking and go anywhere, do anything gameplay. If Ubisoft successfully deliver on their vision, then players are in for a real treat. Add inventive swordplay and a retractable wrist mounted blade for quick, covert scalpings coupled with a clever control system which has you controlling Altair’s individual limbs and Assassin’s Creed is shaping up to be hot property indeed.
While we’re on the subjects of athletic killers, Ninja Theory’s Heavenly Sword deserves a special mention as it too is looking like it could be a beautiful dose of hacking and slashing for the PS3. Watch this space.

1. Grand Theft Auto IV (Rockstar. PlayStation 3, X-Box 360)
This is the big one. The first proper sequel to Grand Theft Auto III, (the clue’s in the title, folks) the expectation riding on GTA IV is immense. Due late in the year, (around October) Rockstar have plenty of time to polish their baby to a blinding shine. Details on the game are currently scarcer than Britney Spears knickers but are expected to emerge slowly in the coming months. The Shed hopes to see a game of San Andreas size, fully accessible interiors, fully destructible scenery, monkeys on bicycles, hot air balloons, the ability to explore space and the edge of the universe. Ok, so we’re not expecting too much, but now we’re just waiting with baited breath for the first screenshots to emerge. Get a move on, Rockstar!

Bad news just in: no Resident Evil 5 until 2008 otherwise this would have easily made the 2007 list. It’s going to be a loooooong wait as this one shambles towards release like the decaying undead.